Breakfast was a flashback to a few weeks ago. I had scrambled eggs, bacon, and rye toast. It's a meal I was eating quite a bit when I think I was doing a little better with this diet. About 600 - 700 calories.
Like I said in my last post, I also had Kung Pao Chicken a la carte.
Pictured here is an authentic version of the dish served in Shanghai. What I had was a very small 250 calorie portion of the westernized version.I ate this too early in the day and ended up getting very hungry by the evening. Tried to keep it reasonable-er and went with a mexican plate of beans, rice, and chicken, with one tortilla. About 700 calories.
I guess 1600 - 1700 or so on the day.
Was actually about to go out and spend 1000 calories like they were quarters in the hands of a kid in an arcade, but Kim's post brought my fat-guy guilt to an all-time high and I went with the beans and rice instead.Asking people in my life how my eating affects them sounds like a great idea on paper, but I can't imagine how I'd ever bring myself to do it. Even if I decided to, I'd probably sit there unable to even start the first sentence. It'd seem too dramatic to me. And one of my siblings has already put my parents through enough drama, I'm always trying to be the one that doesn't have any for them.
It's kind of funny that you brought up that idea though, because just this morning I was heading out and I saw a note taped to my neighbor's apartment door. My neighbor's a black guy who I was always pretty sure was gay, living with his mom and I think his sister. The note taped to the door was a list of declarations, and among that list of declarations were things like "I declare I'm going to sing for a living" and "I declare I'm going to become a millionaire."
The two that stood out were, "I declare I'm going to meet and marry the man of my dreams." Later followed by, "I declare I'm going to be a better man." I don't know if this was his way of coming out to his family, but it seemed really grandiose and weird to me.
Basically, how I felt about my neighbor when reading that note, is how I'd expect everyone else to feel if I started asking them if my eating makes them sad. And I don't want to be that guy.
It wouldn't take very long, though. I only know like 3 people on a personal level.
You're right though, my problems are much more than just binge addiction. And yeah, I'm continuing to meet with my psychologist every week. I actually recently learned I meet the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's syndrome.
Not sure how I feel about that.
I lost my train of thought.
Until tomorrow,
Eric
Eric, I agree and couldn't (or wouldn't) have that conversation with my family. But I can tell you what they probably think: they love you and they're worried about you. Worried for your health, worried for your well-being, worried for your future.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about the other "declarations," but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a better man.
I'm with Jack here.
ReplyDeleteMy husband & I have had some pretty intense discussions about eating , our weight (he is overweight as well) & our health but that would be beyond tough to ask & hear.
I know I worry about our eating, weight & health. I know I only want the best for him (& myself) and am sure your friends/family would feel the same about you.
Keep on making better choices Eric.
You can do this!
Best wishes,
Lynn
The courage you show by expressing your thoughts here is something you should be proud of. Life changes with small steps. Take it slow and you will get where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteETL
Ok, first off, thank you for replying. :)I wasn't expecting you to reply and especially not directly in a blog post. lol That was pretty funny. :) Secondly, the Asperger's thing would explain a lot. Asperger's people have a harder time expressing themselves and reading emotions. I know someone with Asperger's. You'll have to find ways to keep yourself in the reality of your situation and you'll have to find a way to open up/express your emotions even if you can't do it in a traditional way. That's pretty hard stuff and it's understandeable why you keep to yourself so much in real life. I imagine it's hard to connect with people?
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to go to the Overeaters Anonymous 12 steps and take a look (you can google). Anyone who has ever been healed from extreme addiction knows that part of the process is going to at least one person and admitting your problem. Then another step is taking inventory of past wrongs and amending. Now, I will say this. I did not go through the whole 12 steps myself and I did not stay at this group for long b/c I do disagree with a few things they teach. However, I do think some of the steps are necessary in order to come into the reality of addiction and those steps helped me a lot. In your case though, baby steps will be especially crucial. This blog is a baby step. I didn't just get up one day and say "Hmm...I think I'll go make up with all the people I pissed off ten yrs. ago and I'll post a sign on my head that says I can eat a whole pan of brownies in one sitting." lol Actually, my first baby step was writing a letter to my dad when I was 18. It was a letter my first therapist told me to write and he told me not to give it to my dad. I kept that letter until a few years back. I ripped it up after my dad and I finally made amends, but the whole point of the letter was getting out what was bottled up, and recognizing the situation, b/c I was wrapped so tightly. It took me close to ten years to heal from the mental side of addiction and hurt. Now I'm dealing with the bad habits and the health issues. It really is a lifetime journey.
If you don't think you can do a face-to-face , then write a letter explaining the effects you know your addiction will have on the ones you love. If self worth hasn't been enough to drive you into doing the hard things, then connecting with how this addiction affects the ones you love can really help put things into persepective. Work up to it.
Also, what you said about trying to be the one who's always "drama free" for your parents...I think that speaks a lot. Look up "family roles-hero" sometime on google...it's therapy mumbo jumbo about family dynamics, but it's interesting. Think about this. You said that you don't want to create drama for your parents, but if this addiction of yours ends up killing you early in life or if you go broke from spending tons of money on food, will this be keeping your parents away from the drama? However, if you are afraid of being ostracized or you just haven't gotten "there" yet, then at least THINK about the ways addiction hurts more than just yourself.
Congrats on your good choice at dinner and remember, you don't have to feel guilty. Guilt can bring on more bingeing. Look at it constructively....like a science project. Figure out what works and doesn't work...take your losses...and move on. :) We're making progress and that's important. Just don't undo it. lol