Thursday, December 31, 2009

Day 18 - The Fresco

Hello blog.

I just woke up at 1:00am and am preparing to work through the whole day. I'll consider myself lucky if I even get time to watch the ball drop on TV.

I had my usual convenient noodles and candy, but also went out to Taco Bell to try their Fresco menu.

I had 2 fresco soft tacos, and most of a fresco chicken burrito supreme. I also ordered a volcano burrito (because I remember I used to like those before I started the blog), but there was a shard of something rock hard in the beef so I spit most of it out and threw it away.

I'll probably never eat beef at Taco Bell again for the rest of my life because of that.

Somewhere below 2,000 calories for the day, and probably above 1,400.

Dropped another pound.

I literally have to work something like 18 hours out of the next 22 right now. I'm thinking I'm gonna go out right now, get a salad, then take home a bunch of easy snacks to eat all day while I work.

It's not gonna be pretty. Or fun.

Happy New Year everyone.

Until tomorrow,

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Day 17 - The Men's Pocky

Hello blog.

Things are crazy right now. Even crazier than Christmas.

I've got a lot of work that needs to be done before 2010, and less than 48 hours to do it in. I'll definitely get it done, but basically I'm only allowed to work and sleep.

I had noodles and japanese candy, and also tried a savory-type Japanese snack called Peanut Balls. It's basically individual peanuts that've been coated in rice cracker. They look like little dinosaur eggs or something. They are a caloric bomb.

This is another new thing I tried of all the stuff I ordered. Men's Pocky.

The only difference between this and regular pocky is that this is dark chocolate, which I guess in Japan isn't something women commonly eat? I thought it was funny.

Just under 2,000 calories for the day.

This is going to take a long time.

Until tomorrow,

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Day 16 - The Evil Noodles

Hello blog.

Today was successful weight-loss wise. I had some crackers with peanutbutter, a chocolate milk, some ramen, and some Japanese candies.

It's difficult to not eat ramen and japanese candies when I've got so much of it stockpiled here, and I love ramen so much.

I just tell myself it's healthier than drive-thru.

Probably around 1200 - 1500 calories today.

No gains.

I'm starting to think about what I can safely eat from drive-thrus. I have a problem where I work so much and there's really time issues for my eating decisions. The convenience of just having some noodles and candy is too great.

But if there are certain things I could order at drive-thrus that are healthier than noodles and candy, I'd certainly be willing to try them.

McDonald's Salads? El Pollo Loco grilled chicken and vegetables?

Any ideas?

Until tomorrow,

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 15 - The Big Mac

Hello blog.

Just had what I'm considering the end of the holidays. Ate the last of my leftovers, plenty of candy, and went out for a big mac.

The old mentality of "this is the last time" kicked in here. It still didn't result in a big-time binge like I used to know, but it seems if I'm going to completely derail, it would be now.

I feel a little panicked, like I need to come back strong on Monday to be sure I don't lose it all.

I'm probably around 2600 calories for the day again. Never drinking calories helps a lot.

This is probably my favorite time of the year. The stressful holidays are finally over, and there's no major holiday obligation for a really long time. It's like finally being set free.

Looking forward to making that line go down a lot.

Until tomorrow,

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Day 14 - The Leftovers

Hello blog.

I ended up taking home enough leftovers for like 2 more dinners, along with some Christmas candy. Had some of that and also went out to El Pollo Loco. Was planning to just get some grilled chicken.

I ate 2 pieces of this. But when I saw they were serving beef for the first time ever, I couldn't resist getting a steak quesadilla, too.

I'd estimate like 2400 calories for the day, but it's difficult to say since the Christmas leftovers were homemade and there's no information on 'em.

By Monday I'll be all out of Christmas leftovers. I'll go from there.

Until tomorrow,

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day 13 - The Christmas Dinner

Hello blog.

I ate all kinds of Christmas food. Didn't really eat breakfast or lunch though. I think I was below 3,000 calories.

My workload is going to be very heavy over the next 5 days, so short posts like this might be the norm until then.

I've got nothing to eat at home but noodles and candy, so I'm thinking about running out for chicken.

I've eaten fast food I think twice since I started this blog. I've kept a lot of my bad habits and am still at extremes, but before I started the blog my average number of visits to fast food restaurants in 13 days would have literally been about 60, so I think that's progress of some kind.

I consider these to be pretty mild holiday gains for me. :)

Until tomorrow,

Friday, December 25, 2009

Day 12 - The Eve

Hello blog.

Things are hectic right now obviously. I had noodles, candies, a burger and fries. No major binges. Really looking forward to the 26th.

I won't be keeping much of a record for Christmas Day, but I won't binge like I used to binge. I never do when I'm in front of others. So I think it'll be ok. I expect to gain a couple pounds of water/waste before the 26th.

Hope you all have a great Christmas (or other holiday).

Until tomorrow,

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Day 11 - The Gnocchi

Hello blog.

Went to an italian restaurant, ate chicken and gnocchi, kept that under 1000. Had popcorn and candy, kept that under 500. Then ate noodles and japanese candy, not sure where I'm at with that, but not too much.

It's nearly Christmas so things are pretty busy for me until that's over.

Same old graph.

Until tomorrow,

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Day 10 - The Ramen Noodles

Hello blog.

Today I had some noodles and a few candies.

The imported ramen is far better than anything you'd usually find in America. So far, all of it is spicy, whether it says so on the package or not. Which I love, which I guess is typical of most Korean food. I'll never buy Nissin again.

I had it with sriracha sauce, which I now think is the best condiment in the world.

My original plan was to eat nothing, but I gave in to the noodles. Could be the beginning of the end.

Swung down a pound.

Until tomorrow,

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day 9 - The Chicken Madeira

Hello blog.

I ate today, all totaled to about 2600 calories.

Nobody wanted to write a meal plan so it was all me. I had The Cheesecake Factory around noon, then ate some Korean instant ramen later on, along with some more small quantities of Japanese candy.

This is fried macaroni and cheese. Extremely good and bad, for different reasons. I only ate part of this.

This is the entree I ordered, which is a combination of Steak Diane and Chicken Madeira. I didn't touch the potatoes, I ate maybe half of the steak, and I ate most of the chicken. I meant to stop eating the chicken earlier, but it was one of the better things I've ever tasted, so I went for a few extra bites.

And dessert, some fresh strawberry shortcake. It's one of the lighter desserts they offer, believe it or not. I think I got about a third of it, and generally avoided the cake part.

And once again, the food tasted amazing, but I failed to achieve a binge high. I was aiming for it at The Cheesecake Factory, but since I haven't really been eating, my stomach can't seem to handle it. I fill up and get nauseous well before I've eaten enough for a proper binge high.

Even while I'm eating it, I'm not feeling great about it. The taste is amazing, but I'm not getting the usual feelings of excitement and joy that I used to get over food. It's actually the opposite, I was dreading the meal from the moment I woke up. When it arrived I was almost scared of it, and was just thinking "great, now I have to eat."

Without the satisfaction of bingeing, all I feel after a meal is regret for whatever unnecessary weight I'm keeping because of it. And that's what I feel right now.

The ramen was different though. It seems I can enjoy eating without bingeing and not feel regret, as long as it's something new and strange that I'm interested in. The weird candies and imported ramen fit this bill. I think I enjoyed the $1 ramen more than the $22 chicken madeira.

Gained 3lbs. I was carrying a bottle of water with me all day today, and I ate quite a bit, so it's unsurprising.

After BMR calculations I think the day was pretty close to break-even weight-loss wise, despite the upward spike.

And to people who'd like to see me eating and losing weight in a more healthy way. I don't know what to say, other than, I don't think I can.

Until tomorrow,

Monday, December 21, 2009

Day 8 - The Ice Pops

Hello blog.

Similar to yesterday, I ate small quantities of Japanese candies.

I had two of these ice pops (which were very good), and 9 chocolate pocky sticks. So about 190 calories total.

Looking forward to movie theatre popcorn with M&Ms on Wednesday.

Lost another pound.

So I'm already just 2lbs away from new photos. I'm really curious to see if there's any noticeable difference from 286 to 266. I don't think I look any smaller, really, but we'll see. Though my pants are getting looser.

I'm planning to eat tomorrow, which will probably gain me a few pounds in water/food weight, then that'll drop pretty quickly. I think new photos will be before Christmas.

Until tomorrow,

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Day 7 - The Japanese Candy

Hello blog.

My shipment of Japanese food arrived today. I got a lot more candy than I realized. And a ton of instant ramen noodles.

That's the Hi-Chew, and the chocolate pocky. The Hi-Chew is very good. It's like a cross between Starburst and bubblegum, but unlike bubblegum it breaks down in your mouth completely. It's a very unique consistency. The chocolate pocky is quite simple, it's a crunchy very thin little stick biscuit dipped in chocolate.

I ate one of the Hi-Chews and 2 pocky sticks, so about 45 calories for the day.

I think tomorrow I might try one of the Japanese ice pops I got.

Lost 3lbs I guess.

I'm very eating-averse right now. I feel a bit like an anorexic, in how eating a meal isn't registering in my brain as something that I'd even be capable of doing, so I don't think about it much.

But I hear the agonizing over my lack of eating, or lack of eating well. So if anyone wants, you can e-mail me and tell me exactly what to eat, and I promise I'll eat it on Monday with pictures. A whole day's meal plan, as long as it's under 1400 calories total.

Until tomorrow,

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Day 6 - The Happy Turtle

Hello blog.

I ate nothing today.

I'm a little late with this entry. I always write my entries the day after, so I can report on a full day. I usually get it just after midnight but I had to get to bed earlier. I had just worked over 18 hours straight with hardly a bathroom break and was completely beaten.

I've had this picture of this turtle set to my desktop image for a while now, since before I started the blog.

It never even really occurred to me that it was a picture of a turtle eating until now. I always thought it more like a turtle just being a turtle.

Lately I realize it's a picture of food and of eating, and it keeps making me hungry.

I think if anything it's a good influence. The turtle is the perfect eater. No binge disorder, no empty calories. All the turtle needs now is health insurance, and we'd all wish we could be that turtle. (Not that a turtle needs it, I think they live to be a hundred or something)

At the time I'm writing this entry, I've just woken up the next day with very severe nausea. I doubt it's cold or flu, because I haven't been near anybody in the last 40 hours. I doubt it's food poisoning, because I haven't eaten anything in the last 34 hours. In these situations where I'm experiencing a fresh symptom, I usually turn into a little hypochondriac and speculate on all the forms of cancer I might now be host to. WebMD is good for that.

Nausea covers a lot of different cancers, though. Right now I'm thinking liver cancer, or stomach cancer.

I know any doctor would tell me it's just because I haven't been eating, though. And I do hope it's that simple, because I do love being alive. Even on days when I have to work 18 consecutive hours.

I took some pepto, but it didn't really help. Now I keep spitting into a big bowl I'm keeping nearby in case I throw up. The nausea is really bad right now. If it keeps like this I might have to buy some pretzels or saltines or something.

I lost more weight obviously.

It's really starting to look like a graph now. Just 6lbs away from progress photos.

Until tomorrow,

Friday, December 18, 2009

Day 5 - The Mount Everest

Hello blog.

Today I ate a burger with fries, and a snickers ice cream bar. I think I'd consider this a binge, yet it's still less than I would've eaten for a typical meal before I started the blog.

If you live in the southwest USA, then you probably know In-N-Out makes the best burgers and fries in the world. I've had $50 burgers made with Kobe beef and they weren't as good. I don't think there's anything a chef could do to make a burger better than an In-N-Out burger.

I tried to induce vomiting, but was unsuccessful.

All totaled, I ate less than 1400 calories today, since I only ate the one meal. It's significantly less than my basal metabolic rate, so I guess I should call that a success.

I just realized that I could lose 100lbs and still have a binge disorder.

I'm seeing a psychologist, seeking the support of others, and trying to lose weight. I guess there's not much else to do but keep on trying to change. I just don't know how (or if) I'm ever going to make a binge no longer appeal to me.

There's something great about fasting. When I'm fasting I'm always carrying with me the anticipation of a future event that I'll enjoy. I know someday I'll eat again, it doesn't really matter when, and I know that when I do, it's going to be great. Not only is it going to be great, but it's going to taste even better with every extra hour I starve.

You could compare it to climbing up Everest. It can't feel very good when you're in your tenth straight hour of climbing, icicles hanging from your nose and dizzy from the thinning atmosphere, but at the same time it must feel good to endure all that abuse knowing eventually you'll be standing up on that summit, trying to echo your cheers off the next mountain over.

Another pound of not-very-meaningful statistical variance.

I've decided I'm gonna take updated progress photos every 20lbs, so when I hit 266 we'll all get to see what 286 - 20 looks like. I'm guessing it'll probably happen before The New Year.

Until tomorrow,

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Day 4 - The Turkey Lunch

Hello blog.

I ate for the first time in about 84 hours today. I said I'd have a photo, but I completely forgot to take one. Luckily they had a picture of the exact meal I ordered right on their website.

The only difference being, my mashed potatoes didn't come with anything on them.

I didn't eat the cranberry sauce, I didn't eat the vegetables, I only ate about half the potatoes, and I ate about 80% of the turkey and stuffing with gravy.

Other than that, I had one small slice of cornbread with butter, a small glass of nonfat chocolate milk, and a few bites of an apple ice cream dessert my sister ordered.

This restaurant has a very nice online nutritional calculator, and based on my estimations, I ate between 900 and 1400 calories.

I was stuffed and couldn't eat another bite, which means my stomach definitely shrank during the fast. The food tasted good, but other than that, I didn't get any kind of binge high off of it, which was really disappointing.

Coming off that lunch I ate, I know I could go out right now and easily handle a 2400 calorie dinner. But I'm not going to. Unless I make a post tomorrow saying that I did. Then I guess I did.

I thought I'd gain more from eating.

I work with statistics so I know really well that these day by day fluctuations are kind of meaningless, and we won't have relevant data until our sample size is up to 30 entries maybe. But it's still fun to look at.

I've no idea what I'll eat tomorrow. Current plan is nothing.

Until tomorrow,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Day 3 - The Green Tea Chronicles

Hello blog.

I managed to complete all 3 days of my green tea fast. As of this moment it's been over 72 hours since I've eaten anything. I feel wrecked.

I'm going to bed now, so there'll be another 10 hours or so without food before I'm seated at the restaurant. No idea what I'll order, but I'll get a photo.

I spent like 3 hours today looking at pictures of food on the internet. I bought a lot of ramen noodles online, and some Japanese candy to try. Hopefully I don't eat it all in one day.

Looks like I'm finally done losing water weight.

So tired.

Until tomorrow,

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Day 2 - The Green Tea Chronicles

Hello blog.

Still fasting, and for some reason I've been smelling fish sticks all day. You know how your sense of smell reaches superhero proportions when you're really hungry? I can't figure out where the smell is coming from, though. I'm thinking I might be having a smell hallucination.

The fast hasn't got me in a very good mental state right now. I find myself hating everything and just all-around annoyed with everything, especially work. Not really able to enjoy anything at the moment.

And the thought of breaking my fast doesn't appeal to me at all right now. I remember this interview with actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman where he's talking about his post-college alcoholism. He was talking about the people who are able to have just one drink, and be done, and how he could never be one of those people. He'd rather have twenty or none, just one drink had zero appeal. I feel like that with food right now. I know when I break my fast, it can't be a binge, so I don't really care to. I'd rather have nothing.

Tomorrow will be day 3 of my fast, if I feel like continuing with it. Then on Wednesday I'll be going to a matinee and lunch with some family. I'll probably end up having some popcorn, and I don't know what I'll order at whatever restaurant we go to. Something reasonable. Soup, salad and sandwich, maybe. Or maybe just a big salad. I'll get a picture of whatever I order.

Lost another 5lbs of water weight.

And I still smell fish sticks.

Until tomorrow,

Monday, December 14, 2009

Day 1 - The Green Tea Chronicles

Hello blog.

I decided to start with a green tea fast. It'll last 1 to 3 days, depending on how I feel. And yes, that means nothing but green tea.

I think I got it at a whole foods store, Henry's or Trader Joe's.

I've never gone 3 days without solid food before, but I think it'll be good for me. So far I'm doing ok. I feel hungry, but one good thing about being this hungry is the raw strawberries seem just as appetizing to me as the french fries. When I do break the fast, I'll have no problem doing it with healthy foods.

I think I may have just inadvertantly discovered the etymology of the word "breakfast."

Anyway, the hunger is there, but for now it's being outclassed by my excitement at building this weight loss blog. I've always loved making things in general, and pigging out right now would feel like I was knocking over my own sandcastle.

The real test will come when I try to fall asleep, which is something I've rarely done on an empty stomach.

In the meantime I've got to figure out what I'm going to eat when I do break the fast. I wonder if anyone reading this could share a full day's meal plan they've used and enjoyed? If so I'll be running to the store, so anything works, no allergies here.

That's my graph so far. Not much to look at yet. I lost 5lbs in a day, but at my weight it's pretty easy to do that just to waste and dehydration. Being sedentary at my weight, I think I burn about 3,000 calories per day, so it was probably a net loss of like 14 ounces.

I can't wait to have a few months of data for this graph. I love graphs.

I guess that's it for Day 1.

Until tomorrow,

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Day 0 - Statement of Purpose

Hello blog.

This is ground zero. I'm a male in my early twenties, I'm 5'11", and I currently weigh 286lbs.

My fake name is Eric, and I'm a binge addict. The behavior is a lot like alcoholism, except instead of getting drunk, I eat up to 3,000 calories per meal.

I eat a lot. I go through 3 drive-thrus in a row just to make sure I get every food I want. During a few binges, I've even lost track of how much I was eating to the point where my stomach couldn't handle it and forced me to throw up. And like most alcoholics, it's something I hide. Every binge is a secret.

I spend over $1200/month on junk food.

At the time I'm typing this, I've just polished off another binge. A Big Mac, fries, chicken selects with honey mustard, and a chocolate shake. The chocolate shake was from Wendy's, because I like theirs better. I know their menus well enough that without checking, I can tell you the binge was about 2,100 calories. And that's my third of the day.

I don't expect anyone but binge addicts to really understand this. To see this disorder as something akin to drug addiction is a leap that I couldn't even make myself at first. I'd never be so bold as to say it's as destructive as drug addiction, or as challenging to overcome. But it's something in my pathology that makes me do this, and to not continue doing it results in a great deal of pain. To not binge feels to me as to not breathe -- it feels like I'm being suffocated, and conjures up a panic within me so severe that in those moments I'd do absolutely anything for one breath of air.

Giving in to that panic has cost me a lot. A lot of money, obviously. A lot of health. I have heart palpitations. Every time I binge it's a few hours of pain in my gallbladder. Not to mention all the classic symptoms of type 2 diabetes. I can't even walk long distances. If I don't change, it's going to kill me.

Just recently I've gotten my own place. My own job. My own couch, my own coffee table. But before I can take the next steps toward the life I want to live, being a binge addict has to fall off my list of priorities. And right now, it's got the number one spot.

Luckily I'm still young.

That's enough for now. Here's how unbelievably fat I am, these are what will hopefully be my "before pictures":

I don't like it any more than you do. In fact, I probably like it a lot less. Imagine having to live in that piece of shit.

The purpose of this blog is accountability. I need to feel like I'd be upsetting more than just myself in failing to overcome my binge addiction. I need to feel like I'd also be ruining my blog and disappointing hopefully at least a couple of strangers who might be reading it some time. And it doesn't hurt to have a place to keep a record of all this crap, either.

Every day here you'll find a new update on my progress. The updates will include:

-General thoughts and experiences
-A brief overview of what I ate that day
-My daily weigh-ins
-A graph of my weight over time
-Occasionally, a fresh batch of progress photos

I'll be clear right now, I don't ever expect to look good. I'm wide-hipped and there's going to be loose skin. It's not going to be the before and after you see on Bowflex commercials. But there's going to be dramatic weight loss, and it's going to be real.

Until tomorrow,