Sunday, December 13, 2009

Day 0 - Statement of Purpose

Hello blog.

This is ground zero. I'm a male in my early twenties, I'm 5'11", and I currently weigh 286lbs.

My fake name is Eric, and I'm a binge addict. The behavior is a lot like alcoholism, except instead of getting drunk, I eat up to 3,000 calories per meal.

I eat a lot. I go through 3 drive-thrus in a row just to make sure I get every food I want. During a few binges, I've even lost track of how much I was eating to the point where my stomach couldn't handle it and forced me to throw up. And like most alcoholics, it's something I hide. Every binge is a secret.

I spend over $1200/month on junk food.

At the time I'm typing this, I've just polished off another binge. A Big Mac, fries, chicken selects with honey mustard, and a chocolate shake. The chocolate shake was from Wendy's, because I like theirs better. I know their menus well enough that without checking, I can tell you the binge was about 2,100 calories. And that's my third of the day.

I don't expect anyone but binge addicts to really understand this. To see this disorder as something akin to drug addiction is a leap that I couldn't even make myself at first. I'd never be so bold as to say it's as destructive as drug addiction, or as challenging to overcome. But it's something in my pathology that makes me do this, and to not continue doing it results in a great deal of pain. To not binge feels to me as to not breathe -- it feels like I'm being suffocated, and conjures up a panic within me so severe that in those moments I'd do absolutely anything for one breath of air.

Giving in to that panic has cost me a lot. A lot of money, obviously. A lot of health. I have heart palpitations. Every time I binge it's a few hours of pain in my gallbladder. Not to mention all the classic symptoms of type 2 diabetes. I can't even walk long distances. If I don't change, it's going to kill me.

Just recently I've gotten my own place. My own job. My own couch, my own coffee table. But before I can take the next steps toward the life I want to live, being a binge addict has to fall off my list of priorities. And right now, it's got the number one spot.

Luckily I'm still young.

That's enough for now. Here's how unbelievably fat I am, these are what will hopefully be my "before pictures":

I don't like it any more than you do. In fact, I probably like it a lot less. Imagine having to live in that piece of shit.

The purpose of this blog is accountability. I need to feel like I'd be upsetting more than just myself in failing to overcome my binge addiction. I need to feel like I'd also be ruining my blog and disappointing hopefully at least a couple of strangers who might be reading it some time. And it doesn't hurt to have a place to keep a record of all this crap, either.

Every day here you'll find a new update on my progress. The updates will include:

-General thoughts and experiences
-A brief overview of what I ate that day
-My daily weigh-ins
-A graph of my weight over time
-Occasionally, a fresh batch of progress photos

I'll be clear right now, I don't ever expect to look good. I'm wide-hipped and there's going to be loose skin. It's not going to be the before and after you see on Bowflex commercials. But there's going to be dramatic weight loss, and it's going to be real.

Until tomorrow,


  1. I'm pulling for you. Anything is possible. Exercise helps with the loose skin issue, especially resistance work.

  2. Hey Eric :)

    I am proud of you for trying. When I started my blog I NEVER thought I would get as far as I have. Just keep in mind that overcoming binge eating takes a lot more time than "going on a diet" does. You CAN do this, and I'll be cheering you on!

    You ARE young so your skin has a better chance of snapping back now rather than in your 40s. You will look back and say, "wow, I have come so far."

    Best wishes!

  3. ERIC,

    You can do this and I applaud you for putting yourself out there. Remember to treat yourself with respect, do this for you because YOU deserve to be healthy and fit and happy (ier). I'm pulling for you and will support you however I can. Exercise/resistance training is important, however, proper nutrition is THE KEY!! Go get it!! All the best!

  4. Eric,
    Congrats on making the decision to live a healthier lifestyle, Doing so, making healthier choices will allow you to lose the weight you want to lose. No, it won't be easy, it never is.... I struggle every day, Each step of the way, each healhty choice made will get you closer to your goals. Looking forward to hearing about your successes!

  5. Keeping a blog will help you be accountable and motivated. There is an online world that is supportive and wants you to do well.

    Your first post was very honest. I'm sure in no time you'll have a following who is cheering you on and wants you to succeed.

    All the best. Hang in there.

  6. What a great first step you are taking! My blog has definitely helped me on my weight loss journey. Knowing I had to report my failures as well as successes has pushed me to do better, without a doubt. Also, the bloggers, especially the lovely floggers (fat bloggers as we affectionately call ourselves), are amazing!

    If you haven't read Lyn's blog yet, it's amazing! She is so inspirational.

    I hope more bloggers find you like I did. :) Came via Fat Daddy, myself.

    I'll be following along, so I can't wait to hear how your first day went.

    Good luck!

  7. Hai Eric,

    Saw you react on some blogs I read and decided to take a look.

    You're very brave to take this step and be honest about your binge behaviour. I have to be honest I can't imagine to eat so much every day but I do like to "help" you by reading your blog and supporting you.

    What I'm missing in your plan is exercise, exercise and exercise. I can understand that that's difficult for you at this point but you can always walk, doesn't matter if you start with 5 minutes as long as you keep on going. I would strongly recommend you to start exercising.

    I've been struggling with my weight for 10 years now. This year I started blogging and started working out more and I started losing weight so blogging really helps me.

    Good luck and feel free to visit my blog if you want.

  8. Eric,

    I'll be reading everyday - can't wait to follow your progress!

    Amy H.

  9. What an honest post. I'll continue to check in and read how you are doing. All the best.

  10. You are such a brave man to be so honest and post your BEFORE pictures. You will find a great deal of sincere support here. Good for you for not waiting until the New Year to start. I agree with Fran that whatever physical activity you can do will pay you back many times over. I'll be following your progress.

  11. Hey Eric!

    You have taken a great big step in the right direction by putting it down in writing and admitting that you have a problem so kudoes to you on that.

    There is such a support system here and we will be watching your progress and cheering you on! Best of luck to you and we look forward to getting to know more about you.

  12. Eric, All I can say, is hang in there. I've had my "Lose Weight This Year" blog for over one year now, and I'm up and down...still obese and still learning. One thing I know for sure, it really is much more difficult to change after you get older. I'm rooting for you and I'll bet it won't be long until you start hearing all the "atta boys". Take care, Susan.

  13. All it takes is a little work, a bit of balance, and a whole lot of patience. We're all here with ya hon!