Day 0 - Statement of Purpose

Hello blog.

This is ground zero. I'm a male in my early twenties, I'm 5'11", and I currently weigh 286lbs.

My fake name is Eric, and I'm a binge addict. The behavior is a lot like alcoholism, except instead of getting drunk, I eat up to 3,000 calories per meal.

I eat a lot. I go through 3 drive-thrus in a row just to make sure I get every food I want. During a few binges, I've even lost track of how much I was eating to the point where my stomach couldn't handle it and forced me to throw up. And like most alcoholics, it's something I hide. Every binge is a secret.

I spend over $1200/month on junk food.

At the time I'm typing this, I've just polished off another binge. A Big Mac, fries, chicken selects with honey mustard, and a chocolate shake. The chocolate shake was from Wendy's, because I like theirs better. I know their menus well enough that without checking, I can tell you the binge was about 2,100 calories. And that's my third of the day.

I don't expect anyone but binge addicts to really understand this. To see this disorder as something akin to drug addiction is a leap that I couldn't even make myself at first. I'd never be so bold as to say it's as destructive as drug addiction, or as challenging to overcome. But it's something in my pathology that makes me do this, and to not continue doing it results in a great deal of pain. To not binge feels to me as to not breathe -- it feels like I'm being suffocated, and conjures up a panic within me so severe that in those moments I'd do absolutely anything for one breath of air.

Giving in to that panic has cost me a lot. A lot of money, obviously. A lot of health. I have heart palpitations. Every time I binge it's a few hours of pain in my gallbladder. Not to mention all the classic symptoms of type 2 diabetes. I can't even walk long distances. If I don't change, it's going to kill me.

Just recently I've gotten my own place. My own job. My own couch, my own coffee table. But before I can take the next steps toward the life I want to live, being a binge addict has to fall off my list of priorities. And right now, it's got the number one spot.

Luckily I'm still young.

That's enough for now. Here's how unbelievably fat I am, these are what will hopefully be my "before pictures":

I don't like it any more than you do. In fact, I probably like it a lot less. Imagine having to live in that piece of shit.

The purpose of this blog is accountability. I need to feel like I'd be upsetting more than just myself in failing to overcome my binge addiction. I need to feel like I'd also be ruining my blog and disappointing hopefully at least a couple of strangers who might be reading it some time. And it doesn't hurt to have a place to keep a record of all this crap, either.

Every day here you'll find a new update on my progress. The updates will include:

-General thoughts and experiences
-A brief overview of what I ate that day
-My daily weigh-ins
-A graph of my weight over time
-Occasionally, a fresh batch of progress photos

I'll be clear right now, I don't ever expect to look good. I'm wide-hipped and there's going to be loose skin. It's not going to be the before and after you see on Bowflex commercials. But there's going to be dramatic weight loss, and it's going to be real.

Until tomorrow,
Eric