The Fattest Person Ever

Day 96 - The Petite Vanilla Bean

2010-03-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello blog.

Haven't gone back to the store yet but I'm actually planning to this weekend. Until then it might be restaurant food.

I had a petite vanilla bean scone, a tall skinny vanilla latte, a turkey sandwich on wheat no cheese, a slice of lasagna and two breadsticks.

Those are the petite vanilla bean scones. That was seriously one of the best-tasting things I've ever had, and they're pretty small. I went with petite and skinny, it's all still terrible though...

I think my calories were around 2,000 or a little less again, but I don't have info on the lasagna or breadsticks or sandwich. Might've been over.

I really sense that my motivation for this whole mission of mine here is going to really pick back up again within a few days and I'm gonna start putting together those steady declines again.

I'm planning to move toward the end of the summer. How perfect it'd be to drop some more weight before then.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Days 94-95

2010-03-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

Hello blog.

For Day 94:

-3 Kind Bars
-2 Peach Yogurts
-Handful of raw spanish peanuts
-About 20 blue corn tortilla chips with mango salsa
-Finished off the raw spinach with some blue corn tortilla chips
-Finished off the berries
-1 bowl of Ramen noodles

For Day 95:

-4 Kind bars
-2 Peach Yogurts
-2 bowls of Ramen noodles
-2 Japanese ice pops
-1 Newcastle brown ale

Very snacky these past few days, and too much food for Day 95. I think I went over 2,000. But none of this was restaurant food, which is new to me. I find I have a lot more free time. I only realize that free time if I shop less and don't cook much, though.

I'm all out of Kind bars. Also out of produce, though. This gives me a unique opportunity to start putting a dent into the instant noodle population around here.

Clearly the human body was never intended to digest instant Ramen noodles, though. That much is extremely obvious. I'm debating just throwing most of it away.

That doesn't leave me with much though. I think I already commented that my kitchen is extremely empty all the time like Jack in Fight Club. Basically it's just alcohol I don't drink and condiments I don't use.

So tired.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 93 - The Google

2010-03-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Hello blog.

Been very busy with work and reading. I've also been putting together an investment portfolio which has been some of the most fun I've ever had. Researching all these businesses has exposed me to so much information I would've never bothered to look for otherwise. I now know what potash is, for example.

My first purchase was Google stock. It's weird to think I own a tiny piece of Google, and even weirder to think that every time I click on a Google ad now I'm increasing the value of my own shares by some trillionth of a penny.

Anyway, food. I ate food today. Real actual food.

I'm not sure if these things actually count as whole foods even though they came from a whole foods store, but I got blue corn tortilla chips, mango salsa, and some of the infamous Kind bars. Also got some yogurt but I haven't eaten any of that yet.

I had 2 Kind bars, and probably about 20 chips with salsa. Other than that I snacked on blueberries, strawberries, had a mixed green salad with feta and balsamic dressing, and for dinner I pan-fried a fillet of salmon in olive oil, then cooked spinach in the oil that was leftover in the pan.

I really have no idea how many calories I had because I wasn't measuring the oil or the dressing, and didn't weigh the salmon or the berries. Other than the time spent shopping and cooking (which in my mind I'm always thinking could've been time spent working), this is another thing I don't like about eating healthy food. The measuring to know how many calories I had.

Which is an absurd complaint to have, I know. As if it's better to know I had 420 calories of a double cheeseburger than to eat an unknown quantity of berries. But the uncertainty still bugs me a little.

Still, it was a great feeling to know I had done something very healthy for myself. And it was very satisfying to eat something I cooked for myself, like I knew it would be.

If I had to guess I'd say I was below 1600.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 92

2010-03-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hello blog.

Like I said, this day was extremely similar to the previous. I managed to avoid the bite of corn tortilla though, and late at night I actually ended up eating a few sticks of chocolate pocky (probably like 80 - 100 calories worth) and 1 Hi-Chew (japanese fruit candy, 20 calories) and an ice pop (40 calories).

Because of that I think I actually went slightly above 1400, but not by much.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 91

2010-03-14T22:17:00.001-07:00

Hello blog.

Ate just once today. A lot of grilled chicken, rice, beans, salsa and guacamole. Definitely below 1400 for the day but still a lot for one meal. I don't think guacamole was allowed per my rules, and I also took 1 bite of a corn tortilla before I remembered that I couldn't have it.

Was in a hurry in the morning so updating this at night. I've just bought "The Intelligent Investor" by Benjamin Graham which I'm reading for the first time ever, so I might be up all night with that... so the update on Day 92 (which was today) might be coming up in just a few hours!

(Spoilers) It was almost exactly the same as today.

I think I remember saying something about planning for Day 93 when I updated for Day 91, so I guess I'll do some more planning right now. For Day 93 I'll take Kim's suggestion and grab some groceries from a whole foods store (Henry's). I won't eat anything but whole foods and won't eat any restaurant food.

And for Days 94-96 I won't eat restaurant food, and will only eat food I have available here at home. No promises on the quality though... but I'm sure I'll have some leftover groceries from Day 93. But I also have a lot of instant noodles, canned beans and rice and condiments and oatmeal around.

I actually ordered some chocolate pralines (what we call truffles they call pralines) from Belgium off Amazon along with this book I'm reading. They should get here around Wednesday. Was planning to eat like 1 - 3 a day. For fun.

Will keep it below 1600 from 93 to 96.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 90 - The Sparklehorse

2010-03-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I had 2 chocolate covered graham crackers with a skinny vanilla latte, a crispy chicken sandwich with a small fry, and a plate of chinese food including orange chicken, broccoli beef, crab rangoon and a small amount of both chow mein and steamed rice.

I didn't write it down so I don't recall the exact number, but I totaled it all up yesterday and it came out to slightly above 2500. So I went slightly over my plan, but I'm not stressing about it. I'll try to make up for it by coming in under for Days 91 and 92.

I just found out yesterday that one of my favorite musicians, Mark Linkous, committed suicide a week ago. He led Sparklehorse, which used to open for Radiohead.

Oh well.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 89

2010-03-12T09:28:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Today I had 3 crunchy tacos, half of a bean burrito, 10 chicken nuggets with sweet chili sauce, and a small fry.

A bit under 1800, and I drank plenty of water.

Someone's visiting on Day 90, so I think I'll go up to 2500 then. On Days 91 and 92, I'll keep it below 1400 and eat only grilled chicken, beans, rice, and vegetables.

And I'll plan for Day 93 on Day 91!

I welcome any suggestions for rules I should plan for myself to follow on Day 93.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 88

2010-03-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Did this day what I said I'd do the previous. Drank a ton of water and kept it below 1900.

I had a tall chocolate frap, 2 of the new original recipe chicken fillets from KFC with half a serving of macaroni and half a biscuit, and white rice with orange chicken and rangoons.

Frap 420, fillets 340, half mac half biscuit 180, white rice with orange chicken 700 (didn't finish rice), rangoons 180, total 1820.

On day 89, I'll drink a ton of water and keep it below 1800.

Until then,
Eric

Day 87

2010-03-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I'm running out of original titles for all these posts, and running out of original pictures since it's not often I eat something new is it.

Hmm... here's some John Mayer. Who doesn't like John Mayer, right?

I was successful in doing today what I said I was going to do yesterday. I drank a ton of water and kept it below 2,000. I had a slice of lemon loaf and a short skinny vanilla latte, a bowl of jambalaya with a biscuit, a caesar salad with no meat, and a reduced fat vanilla cone.

According to internet sources, which I do check and accurately calculate every day, I had about 1500 calories. The calories on the jambalaya looked too low though so I would report it as 1500 - 1800.

Keeping track of macronutrients and below is a little too time-consuming for me, though. I like being able to keep this blog going with about 15 minutes a day so I can keep my sanity and stay productive.

It felt good setting specific goals for Day 87 on Day 86, so I'm thinking of making it a regular thing.

So, on Day 88, I'll drink a ton of water and keep it below 1900.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 86 - The Caloric Deficit

2010-03-09T08:46:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Ate badly today, BUT! I had a reasonable amount of calories. About 1850.

Had a burrito with chicken beans rice and salsa, then a burger, then another burger with a small fry and diet coke.

It's Tuesday morning right now, and I definitely don't feel like I'm going to exceed 2,000 calories today. So things are looking better for the moment.

I've been drinking a ton of water lately. Or by lately I guess I mean yesterday and this morning.

I can't leave my desk very often during the day so I've just been refilling 4 Solo cups with water instead of the usual 1. Looks a little silly but it gets me drinking more.

Most of the calories we expend (and basically all of the calories I personally expend) are used simply to keep our body temperature up. So it's a fact that ice water actually has a very slightly negative calorie balance. And I guess it keeps the stomach full. And it just feels good to be completely hydrated all the time, too.

So that's my focus for day 87. Stay below 2,000 and drink a ton of water.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 85 - The Eh

2010-03-08T08:17:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I had chili with bread, and two individual servings of Chinese entrees (kung pao chicken and sweet and sour pork) with cream cheese rangoons. That was about 1900 I think. Then later I had nachos, half a burger, some fries and half an ice cream.

Somewhere in the 3,000s.

Sundays are inconvenient for fat people because of the "I'll start Monday" excuse, which might be the single most powerful excuse out there...

...I'll start Monday.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 84 - The Blah

2010-03-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I had a slice of coffee cake, a skinny vanilla latte, then eggs with bacon and sausage, then pizza and hotwings.

I've been incredibly depressed these last few days, and I'm breaking out a little. I'm almost positive the depression came after all this bingeing, not before.

My mind keeps searching for excuses to eat junk food. Pretty much reverting to 3 months ago, but still haven't been eating as much as I did then if you can believe it.

Day 85 will be the day that I correct myself.

Fingers crossed.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 83 - The Still Too Much Food

2010-03-06T07:50:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Had 1 enchilada, half a serving of beans, half a serving of rice, a roast beef sandwich, most of a burger, a small fry and some macaroni.

About 2700.

Still fat...

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 82 - The Slightly Less Food

2010-03-05T07:37:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

This time I had a chicken burrito, a steak taco, a serving each of kung pao chicken and barbecue pork a la carte, and a grilled chicken salad with light cilantro dressing. About 2400 calories. I dialed it back a bit at least.

Going to try very hard to run at a calorie deficit tomorrow.

Until then,
Eric

Day 81 - The Food

2010-03-04T08:29:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Had a breakfast sandwich, half a burger, a side of macaroni, a short vanilla latte, a mexican dish with tacos/beans/rice, 2 donuts, a cup of milk, and an oreo cookie shake.

About 4,000.

I keep telling myself I'm going to stop and then not stopping. I don't know how to.

At least work's going well.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 80 - The Food

2010-03-03T05:44:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Had a breakfast burrito, a chicken sandwich, a chocolate frappuccino, a blueberry muffin, a hotdog, a handful of trail mix, and some bbq ribs with potato chips.

About 3800 on the day.

I woke up and my monitor was dead. I went to a net cafe to kill 2 hours researching monitors until Best Buy opened. They didn't have the monitor I wanted, but pointed me to a store that did in San Bernardino, which is probably the roughest area of the Inland Empire where I live.

While driving out there I was pulled over by two motorcycle cops for not wearing a seatbelt. They didn't flash their lights, they just yelled over their speaker telling me to pull over, which I didn't hear because I had the radio on. They eventually got my attention by riding up to my driver's side window.

When I finally pulled over the cop came up to the window yelling at me like I was refusing to pull over, which I found completely ridiculous so I was arguing with him and he was flipping out.

There should be some minimum standard of what police have to do before you're required to pull over, and I think that should be flashing lights, because pulling people over by yelling at their car isn't very effective. He might as well have been trying to pull me over telepathically.

So he got my information and walked away. He finally calmed down, came back, apologized for freaking out, explained that he has to be rough because there are so many drug dealers and violent offenders in San Bernardino, then he gave me a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt.

I then drove around in circles in the shittiest city in the entire country because the roads don't make any logical sense down there. I was lost for hours trying to find this Best Buy.

I finally did and I bought the monitor and drove home, and that was my entire day.

I'm really happy with the monitor at least.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 79 - The Food

2010-03-02T12:54:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Had a breakfast burrito, a slice of lemon bread, chocolate covered graham crackers, a vanilla latte, 2 cheeseburgers, a small Hi-C, a chicken sandwich, a grilled cheese sandwich and french fries with ranch.

About 3800 on the day.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 78 - The Last Day of February

2010-03-01T00:34:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today was the last day of February. The last day of any month is traditionally a celebratory day for me since there's a tendency to measure progress in my field in terms of 1 month blocks.

I didn't go completely crazy though. Lunch was pizza and chicken wings and breadsticks, and dinner was leftovers of that.

The pizza came in tiny little squares and was the thin and crispy variety. I had the equivalent of about 2 traditional slices for lunch and the same for dinner. 7 total chicken wings on the day, and I think 4 or 5 breadsticks total on the day.

Beer was present but I drank none of it.

Not sure about calories. Somewhere around 2,000 I'd guess.

March has officially begun as of 40 minutes ago, and I'm already awake, and I'm taking the whole day by storm. This is the beginning of my 372-hour month. Odds are high that I won't succeed, but odds are even higher that my failure will still result in a very productive month.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 77 - The Caffeine Scare

2010-02-28T00:20:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Ate nothing but candy and sugar free Red Bull today. Had 3 candy bars and 3 gigantic cans of sugar free Red Bull in a pretty short time frame between like 5am and 8am.

That's what the face of evil looks like.

462mg of caffeine, and I actually have a history of extreme sensitivity to caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking.

I was having all the symptoms of caffeine intoxication. The worst ones were the dizziness, paranoia and trouble breathing. It was like I couldn't get enough air and was feeling like I was gonna pass out and I was seriously thinking about calling an ambulance (not kidding).

I don't know what made me think caffeine was a good idea. As a teenager I'd have the same episodes with caffeine, sometimes even worse where I'd end up with night terrors and feelings of impending doom etc.

I have to have some kind of caffeine allergy. That or my mind just reacts adversely to it, or I'm extremely sensitive to it, or something. I think most people could drink 6 Red Bulls in a row without feeling like they were going to die and wanting to call an ambulance, but not me apparently.

I went to a 7th Day Adventist private school when I was around 13, none of the practicing 7th Days were allowed to consume any caffeine at all. And they're some of the longest lived people on the planet.

Like 800 calories. When the symptoms were at their worst I took a fish oil supplement and a multivitamin thinking that might help. With the stomach ache and everything I just wasn't hungry after that.

February was one of my best months ever in terms of work and that's really got me motivated for March. March starts on Monday and is a 31-day month, and right now I'm thinking about scheduling myself 372 hours (12/day) which would be the biggest workload I've ever taken on.

My lifestyle during that stretch would be intensely miserable but the feelings of accomplishment would be unlike any I've ever felt before. I can't see any reason why I can't do it. And now would be the time since there's no major holidays or birthdays in March.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 76 - The Tacos

2010-02-27T05:59:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Had two of those chicken caesar bowls, and for dinner I felt like tacos.

I had 3 corn and 3 flour, for a total 840 calories (according to Del Taco's website).

Throughout the day I also had 6 sugar free Red Bulls (3 big cans, 6 total servings). My body's circadian rhythm is off right now and I'm trying to bring it back to getting sleepy at a normal time, instead of at noon. That's 60 calories since it has inositol.

Less than 2,000 on the day.

I actually thought about going for a walk, but it's been raining so I couldn't. But I definitely thought about it. Maybe when it stops raining I'll actually move my limbs for once. :)

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 75 - The Caesar Bowl

2010-02-26T05:48:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

So I scrapped that idea for now, and ate twice today. First was one of these:

With a lot of creamy cilantro dressing.

Later was a pretty big chicken burrito with plain corn chips.

I can feel myself getting pretty impatient with this lately.

Not sure what I'm gonna do about that. Something.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 74 - The Mealaday Plan

2010-02-25T04:14:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today I had some candy, then dinner was some grilled chicken.

I had two breasts and a wing, with beans and rice, and 2 small corn tortillas, with salsa and guacamole (mmmm). It was just the one meal for the whole day, and it got me thinking.

What would a single nutritionally perfect meal look like?

Would it have like 20 half-bites of 20 different kinds of fruit and vegetable? What kind of beans would it have? What kind of meat?

I don't know. The idea of a nutritionally perfect meal sounds appealing to me. And the idea of eating just once a day sounds appealing to me, too. It's a lot less stressful and there are fewer opportunities for me to overeat.

So here's what I'm going to try over the next... well, tomorrow. And I'll see if it sticks. I'm just gonna eat once a day a few hours before bed, and the meal is going to include some form of animal protein, some form of carbohydrates, and a multivitamin. And some other more colorful stuff. I'll figure it out later.

Maybe some fish oil, or red wine.

I started positioning my feet a little differently on my scale, and I think it added a couple pounds. They're more toward the center of the scale now and I think that gives a more accurate reading?

I should buy a new scale. Mine is crappy.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 73 - The Beans and Rice and Chicken

2010-02-24T06:10:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Breakfast was a flashback to a few weeks ago. I had scrambled eggs, bacon, and rye toast. It's a meal I was eating quite a bit when I think I was doing a little better with this diet. About 600 - 700 calories.

Like I said in my last post, I also had Kung Pao Chicken a la carte.

Pictured here is an authentic version of the dish served in Shanghai. What I had was a very small 250 calorie portion of the westernized version.

I ate this too early in the day and ended up getting very hungry by the evening. Tried to keep it reasonable-er and went with a mexican plate of beans, rice, and chicken, with one tortilla. About 700 calories.

I guess 1600 - 1700 or so on the day.

Was actually about to go out and spend 1000 calories like they were quarters in the hands of a kid in an arcade, but Kim's post brought my fat-guy guilt to an all-time high and I went with the beans and rice instead.

Asking people in my life how my eating affects them sounds like a great idea on paper, but I can't imagine how I'd ever bring myself to do it. Even if I decided to, I'd probably sit there unable to even start the first sentence. It'd seem too dramatic to me. And one of my siblings has already put my parents through enough drama, I'm always trying to be the one that doesn't have any for them.

It's kind of funny that you brought up that idea though, because just this morning I was heading out and I saw a note taped to my neighbor's apartment door. My neighbor's a black guy who I was always pretty sure was gay, living with his mom and I think his sister. The note taped to the door was a list of declarations, and among that list of declarations were things like "I declare I'm going to sing for a living" and "I declare I'm going to become a millionaire."

The two that stood out were, "I declare I'm going to meet and marry the man of my dreams." Later followed by, "I declare I'm going to be a better man." I don't know if this was his way of coming out to his family, but it seemed really grandiose and weird to me.

Basically, how I felt about my neighbor when reading that note, is how I'd expect everyone else to feel if I started asking them if my eating makes them sad. And I don't want to be that guy.

It wouldn't take very long, though. I only know like 3 people on a personal level.

You're right though, my problems are much more than just binge addiction. And yeah, I'm continuing to meet with my psychologist every week. I actually recently learned I meet the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's syndrome.

Not sure how I feel about that.

I lost my train of thought.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Days 71-72 - The Stella Artois

2010-02-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Still been off my diet. It's kind of been put on the back burner for a while now. I'm not gonna make any promises about what's going to happen with it, since we all know how much that would be worth, but I'm going to keep making attempts at getting back with it like I have been.

Been having some of this the last couple days, along with leftover pizza and hotwings. Very frat house of me. Other than that there was a turkey bacon cheddar sandwich, some stuffed jalapenos, and one other thing I'm struggling to remember. Sorry.

Stella Artois reminds me of the time I spent in New York. Kind of how adults return to McDonald's for those happy childhood memories, I guess I go for Stella to remind myself of complimentary shoehorns and $60 almond milk pancakes.

As I'm writing this post I'm in the middle of day 73. So far I've had a modest brunch and future plans are to just have for dinner a small serving of kung pao chicken a la carte. Kind of a stupid plan, but wish me luck.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 70 - The Birthday Party

2010-02-21T23:56:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Today was somebody's birthday, so went off my diet. Basically ate a whole lot of chicken wings, drank a few beers, and ate a bunch of pizza. And a slice of cake.

Not even going to try to estimate calories.

Rushing right now. Hope you guys had a great weekend.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 69 - The Whitest Boy Alive

2010-02-20T22:49:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Went to Starbucks and got a slice of banana walnut bread with a tall (small) cappuccino. Took some milk chocolate covered graham crackers with me because they're just too delicious. They do something to that milk chocolate, I'm not sure what, but I think it's the best milk chocolate in the world.

Here's a YouTube of a song I like because I don't have a picture of food:

For some reason I seem to like things not many other people like.

Anyway, later had a crispy chicken sandwich and then a chicken quesadilla with guacamole. About 1600 - 1800 calories on the day.

The day after this one (which is actually today since I always blog about the previous day) is somebody's birthday, which I went off my diet for.

I'm actually really looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

Until then,
Eric

Day 68 - The Southern Style

2010-02-19T18:39:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

A lot of repeat foods today. I went for some Chinese which I do often. I asked for barbecued pork, they were out. I asked for beijing beef, they were out. I asked for mandarin chicken, they were out.

So I ended up getting kung pao chicken and broccoli beef, with a big side of steamed vegetables.

When I went to pay for the food they said they threw in some free spring rolls since they didn't have any of the stuff I wanted. +200 calories.

Later I pulled through McDonald's. The amount of cheeseburgers I'd be eating if I didn't have this blog might astonish you. But I can rarely bring myself to eat a cheeseburger anymore because I see it as one of the worst things to have to report here.

Same with any kind of candy bar or cake type thing, or non-diet soda, or milkshake, etc. French fries oddly enough I don't feel any shame over, which is strange because they're just as bad as any of those other things I mentioned.

Anyway at McDonald's I went with one of these:

The southern style crispy chicken sandwich.

I managed to resist that urge to order french fries, but kind of parlayed that into an excuse to order some ice cream. Which is something I said I wouldn't do anymore, but I also said I'd follow a bunch of rules which I suck at following.

I think I'm better at eating fewer calories in general than I am at following specific rules. Which is unfortunate, but maybe eventually I'll start making healthier choices. I don't know.

Not sure where this big drop is coming from. Could be dehydration from all the coke zero. Calories on this day were about... 1400 - 1700 or so. I'm sure it'll level off, it's not possible that I actually lost 3lbs of fat/muscle in a day.

Edit: I just realized this marks my first 30lbs lost. Yay.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 67 - The Huevos Rancheros

2010-02-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Went out to breakfast and saw something on the menu I've never tried before. Huevos rancheros.

It's basically delicious cooked peppers and onions and sauce on top of eggs on top of a tortilla. The dish I ordered looked pretty much like that, except instead of beans and rice it came with beans and hashbrowns.

I had a few bites of the hashbrowns and a few bites of the beans, but for the most part left them alone.

I really liked it. It's pretty rare that I don't enjoy something new.

Over lunch I had a smallish caesar salad sans chicken, and I think a granny smith apple.

Dinner was going to be half an italian sandwich and 3 stuffed jalapenos, but unfortunately turned into an italian sandwich and 7 stuffed jalapenos.

I think around 2100 - 2400 calories on the day. If I had eaten what I was planning to for dinner it would've been like 1500 - 1800.

My willpower has been sucking lately. I'm thinking about skipping breakfast from now on. Or going on another fast.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 66 - The Organic Banana

2010-02-17T09:48:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Really simple day today.

I had an organic banana to start.

It was a lot smaller than a non-organic banana. And it smelled more banana-y. Probably because the organic ones aren't genetically modified to grow larger, right?

My mango rotted before I could eat it.

Then I had some chinese food. Kung pao chicken, beijing beef, and chow mein noodles, with a side of rangoons.

Then I came home, made yesterday's blog post, then slept for literally 17 hours straight. (I just woke up)

Still losing weight. Calories for today were around 1100 - 1400.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 65 - The Cappuccino

2010-02-16T16:05:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

It's getting difficult to remember what I've eaten recently, because my sleep has been so erratic lately. But I'm pretty sure I started with a cappuccino from Starbucks.

I don't really see what the big deal is with Starbucks. I think they do a lot to make the products seem like they're of a much higher quality than they actually are.

McDonald's of the coffee shop world I guess.

I had that with a spinach and feta wrap. Mid-morning I had a donut, then ate nothing until one roast beef sandwich for dinner.

Probably around 1400 - 1600 on the day.

My sleep has been really bad recently. I just finished what I needed to for work today and I'm about to go to sleep. It's 4:00pm and I just feel really sleepy for some reason.

I actually didn't mention that I've added Coca-Cola Zero to my diet. I bought a case of it and have been drinking like 6 of them a day the past couple days. I didn't think it was relevant since it's zero calorie, but that's probably the source of my sleep problems right there.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 64 - The Saint Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T22:32:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

I already warned you about this day so don't act surprised. I had a bowl of golden grahams with 2% milk, a small cheeseburger, a small fry, chicken nuggets, and some chocolates. Dinner was a small plate of spaghetti with meatballs and cheese cooked at home and eaten by one sad fat man.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 63 - The Kiwifruit

2010-02-14T22:05:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today wasn't good. I hate holidays and how perfectly they work as a convenient excuse for me to eat poorly.

I had 2 kiwifruits in the morning.

Along with some cottage cheese and raw spanish peanuts. Fruit, raw nuts and cottage cheese work really well for me, because I don't ever really crave any of those things. They're safe foods to keep around the house because I know I won't binge on them no matter how hungry I get.

It fell off the rails from there. I had a quarter pounder and a small fry. Then later I had a corn dog. Then later I had a roast beef sandwich. A little under 2,000 calories total, I think. Or a little over. Thereabouts.

The quarter pounder was a direct result of a trailer for From Paris With Love. In it, John Travolta talks about a "royale with cheese", which is what his character in Pulp Fiction (one of my all-time favorites) ordered from McDonald's in France. They call it a royale because no one over there understands the metric system.

Product placements and advertising for shitty food, it really owns me.

That and I've just been feeling really abnormally miserable lately. I'm just miserable all the time and the only thing that will improve my mood is really terribly shitty food.

I always cover the previous day with these blog entries. At the time I'm writing this one, Saint Valentine's Day has already passed, and in terms of food it was a little worse than this one. So be prepared for that.

I really enjoyed the kiwifruit. And I just learned it's an excellent source of Vitamin K.

I bought some organic bananas and fresh mango. Gonna keep trying new fruits.

I'm really disappointed in myself.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 62 - The Pear

2010-02-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today went a little better than yesterday I think. But just a little. I had a pear.

Mmm, pear. I cut this one up into wedges so I didn't feel so much like a 5th century villager this time.

I also had a small handful (less than a quarter cup I think) of raw spanish peanuts, and a serving of lowfat cottage cheese with a bit of salt and pepper. Oh and a dill pickle spear.

I actually forgot to mention these chili and lime seasoned pistachios that I had yesterday. I had some of those again today as a brunch-type morning snack while I was getting set up for work.

Lunch was Chinese food. I had some broccoli beef, some kung pao chicken, and too much chow mein. I was originally going to get orange chicken instead of the broccoli beef, along with some cream cheese rangoons, but those are both deep fried. I actually found myself thinking about this blog at the menu, and thinking I'd much rather come back here with a story about broccoli beef than have to come back here and confess to deep fried chicken and cream cheese rangoons.

This must be how married men feel when their wives are getting on them about their cholesterol.

It feels kinda good.

Finished the day with a small caesar salad. I had it with croutons, which now that I think about it might actually be deep fried. Oh well.

Tomorrow I'm having kiwi.

Until then,
Eric

Day 61 - The Plum

2010-02-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

The first day of eating grocery store food went a little shaky. After a week of eating crap I'm actually feeling some withdrawals at this point. I gave in and had a chicken burrito and a steak taco, honestly because I knew I had that excuse. Fat guy logic.

So then I got home with my groceries, and I took them out of the bags, and used my fridge for something other than drinks and condiments for a change.

My kitchen always reminds me of that movie Fight Club. "A house full of condiments and no food. How embarrassing."

The rest of the day went pretty well. I had a quarter cup of raw spanish peanuts (they're not technically raw because it'd be illegal for them to sell it that way, they've been heat treated). I had a plum.

There's a plum. Just a raw plum. I felt like a 5th century villager or something.

And I also had yogurt. Too much yogurt honestly. I love yogurt, I should probably go with cottage cheese instead that way I'm not tempted by yogurt all day. And dinner was a salad with grilled chicken (precooked) and fresh grated parmesan cheese.

So that's my first time eating groceries in a very long time. I guess my goal for tomorrow will be to go sans burrito.

So to recap, here are the rules I followed:

-Eat a fruit
-Eat a salad
-Avoid all deep fried food

And the rules I broke:

-Eat less than 1400 calories
-Avoid everything that doesn't look like a plant or an animal (flour tortilla)

We'll see how I do tomorrow.

Until then,
Eric

Days 56-60 - The Superbowl

2010-02-11T13:50:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I fell off my diet over the Superbowl, my computer exploded, and I gained 4 pounds.

My life has been pretty messy these past few days. I lost all of the data on my hard drive, so I've had to reinstall everything, reconfigure some touchy software, and reconstruct a huge database. It's like a big pile of work that I don't get paid for.

I'm just about fixed up now though. My life will be back to normal within a couple days.

With regard to my absence, I didn't keep any record of what I ate, but it was too much. Beer, meatballs, a pulled pork sandwich, potato chips, lots of pistachios, pizza, chips and dips, hot wings. Basically typical Superbowl fare extended over a 5-day period.

Without a functioning computer at home I feel like I'm in limbo or something. I really live through my computer. I can't even receive a bill without my computer. I can't get work done. I can't pay a bill. I can't communicate with people. I'd find myself sitting around my apartment not knowing what the hell to do with myself.

I actually watched an entire episode of Maury. That guy is just pure evil. And I ate a lot of bad foods, I think mostly out of boredom.

But I'm fully back now. Back with a functioning computer. Back to my daily updates, and back to healthier eating.

The plan I'm going forward with is pretty basic. Keep it under 1400 calories per day, avoid all deep fried foods, eat a salad and a fruit every day, and generally avoid all food that isn't immediately recognizable as some kind of a plant or an animal.

I've just come home from the grocery store (hear that), with some fresh fruits and yogurt and raw nuts and salad.

If you see me deviating from that plan I outlined, please do give me hell in the comments. :)

Yuck. This graph makes 4lbs look like a mountain.

It'll be back off in no time.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

The Absence

2010-02-09T17:49:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

So it turns out those problems I was having with my computer previously hadn't actually resolved themselves.

My hard drive basically melted, and I've been without a computer for a few days now.

I'd been treating it like it was a software issue, but in fact it was a hardware failure.

The parts I needed to fix it arrived in the mail today and I've just finished giving my computer a spiffy new hard drive and a completely fresh installation of Windows 7.

I just finished fixing everything literally a few minutes ago. I'm on cloud 9 right now.

For anyone reading this that's into computers like I am, I'd highly recommend trying out the new Solid State Drives (SSDs). No moving parts. The speed boost is pretty unbelievable. People wonder where their computers are bottlenecking performance-wise, and I think 99% of the time these days, the answer is their hard drive.

I'm so impressed with this SSD I'm probably gonna get a second one and put them together in RAID 0.

Then maybe get a 1.5 TB Stoneage HD just for storage (the SSDs are really lacking in capacity at the moment, $300 for an 80 gig).

Anyway that was all nonsense to most of you. This blog is about food and health. I've been off my diet during the absence and I've gained a couple pounds. There haven't been any ravenous binges, but let's say I kept the party going after the Superbowl.

I've decided my new guidelines will be to keep each day below 1400 calories, eat a fruit and a salad every day, never eat anything deep fried, and generally avoid all foods that no longer bare any resemblance to their original source.

Crackers for example, which don't look much like wheat. Chocolate, which doesn't look much like cocoa beans. Noodles, which don't look much like anything. If the food doesn't bare much resemblance to its plant or animal sources, then I'm gonna try not to eat it.

I'm also gonna try to eat less meat, egg and cheese. And just generally move my diet in the direction of being more plant-based.

Tomorrow morning I'm gonna make a post covering all the days I missed in my absence. Tomorrow morning will also be when I begin with my new guidelines.

I'm gonna try to lose weight.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 55 - The Who?

2010-02-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Didn't do well today. Lately I've just been miserable, and I guess I'm trying to ameliorate that with comfort food.

Breakfast was the low-carb thing I often like to start my day with. Scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage. Lunch was a roast beef sandwich with a caesar salad. I was actually going to stop there, but then found myself heading out for a burger and fries at 10pm. Then I tried to stop myself and come to some compromise, so I ordered a crispy chicken sandwich with fries instead (as if that's any better).

Then I tried to talk my way through eating it and kept telling myself to eat slowly and stop when I was full.

Then I ate the entire thing. Haha.

2300 calories for the day.

And I just found out The Who is playing the halftime show on Sunday.

My favorite song of theirs. I always associate it with Kevin Spacey's transformation in that movie American Beauty.

I'm a fan of The Who, but half the band is dead and the guys remaining are in their 60s. I don't understand why they're being tapped for the halftime show.

But Paul McCartney gave probably my favorite halftime performance of all time. Age wasn't a factor there. Maybe it'll work out.

I seem to have stopped trying to lose weight. I'm not really backsliding because I'm never eating enough to actually gain weight. But at the same time I'm barely eating little enough to lose much weight.

I need to find motivation. I don't know what I'm losing weight for, really. I know I'll be healthier and I'll look better in clothes. What else? I've lived the life of a sedentary fat person for the last 13 years, so it's not like I'm aching to run out and go skiing or anything. I've never done anything physical.

I guess I'll probably have more confidence which will have a ripple effect to every facet of my life.

I need to adhere to some new rule. Below 1500 calories every day, maybe. I'll figure something out and start after Superbowl Sunday.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 54 - The Cream Cheese Rangoon

2010-02-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I ate a lot of Chinese food today.

My day started pretty well. Just had a fruit salad and a caesar salad. The work day didn't go very well. By the nature of my work, some days I can actually lose money. The occasional loss is unavoidable, and this was one of those days. And after one of those days, my mood hits the floor and it seems nearly impossible for me to practice moderation.

I had a small portion of kung pao chicken, a small portion of broccoli beef, a small portion of chow mein, 2 small spring rolls and 3 of these cream cheese rangoons.

The Chinese food meal was about 1200 calories, and the salads combined were about 500.

It's a good thing I haven't binged in a long time. My stomach can't handle more than 1200 calories or so at once these days. If it could, in that mood I might've eaten 3000.

I know it's horrible, but I never dreamed that one of my horrible days would be 1700 calories. So I see some good in this.

Expect some meat on Superbowl Sunday.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 53 - The Stomach Ache

2010-02-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I ate too much food today.

Morningish was a low-carb meal of scrambled eggs with bacon and sausage. Had a ham & swiss panini with a fruit bowl around lunch. Dinner was 1 steak taco and some grilled chicken. And throughout the day I ate 6 Kind bars.

If labels are accurate it was right about 2500 calories on the day. Which isn't horrendous or anything. Plenty of healthy people eat that much every day, but those people definitely aren't as sedentary as I am. I can't eat that much.

I really lost it with the Kind bars today. They're delicious and healthy, but having something that tastes that good around the house is something I can't exercise moderation around I guess. It got to the point where I just wanted to finish them off so I wouldn't have them around the house anymore, because I felt like they were making me hungrier all the time.

So that's it for the Kind bars, I'm all out.

At the time I'm writing this it's morning the next day and I have a pretty bad stomach ache. Not sure if it's all the food I ate leeching all the hydration from my body, or if I'm coming down with something. Flu season is peaking right about now.

I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I'm off to go do the same thing I do every day for 10 hours straight to increase my net worth by 1.25%.

Kill me.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 52 - The Kind Cranberry

2010-02-03T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Had dentist and hygienist appointments today and still have to put in 8 hours of work so I'm pretty jammed for time. But I think I prefer it that way.

This time I found myself again reaching for the convenience of the Kind bars. Had 3 cranberry & almond.

I really don't think they're bad. They're basically just dried fruits and nuts. The problem is, both of those things are extremely calorie-dense foods.

And I'm pretty sure this Kind has macadamias. They're just too good.

For proper meals I had one steak taco, some corn chips with guacamole (I love love love avocado), and a small salad with I think cotija cheese and cilantro dressing.

On my drive home I again grabbed a soft serve ice cream cone from McDonald's. It's become a bit of a ritual to drive home and have soft serve while listening to NPR.

But today I'm announcing no more ice cream from now on unless it's some special social thing. No more everyday ice cream. No more lonely ice cream.

I think my calorie total for the day was like 1400 - 1700 or so.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 51 - The Slow

2010-02-02T08:24:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I was partway through my fast, had just gotten out of therapy, and was asking myself, "Why am I fasting?"

Then I stopped fasting.

Throughout the day I had 3 grilled chicken legs, 1 steak taco, some corn chip with guacamole, 2 kind cranberry & almond bars, and a big salad with grilled chicken and cilantro dressing. And once again the dreaded ice cream cone.

Less than 2,000 calories on the day. It's a healthy amount of food for me to eat but it's too much to be getting results at the pace I want. I really need to bring it down to like 1400 or less. Or start exercising maybe, if I could ever find some form of physical activity I don't hate.

This guy's really funny. And since flying to New York recently, his stuff about flying has taken on new meaning to me.

I'm still really not sure whether deciding to break my fast is a good sign or a bad sign. It's either a lack of discipline, or signs of a more healthy less turbulent relationship to food.

I don't know which.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 50 - The Double

2010-02-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

This was the last day of January, and it's officially February.

Happy February, everyone.

It was a very rare day off for me so I didn't want to worry much about what I was eating honestly.

I ate I think 4 of the Kind Apricot & Almond bars throughout the day. This is what I always worry about when keeping food around the apartment. It's so much easier to not eat food if it's at a great distance.

Other than that I had a double burger with fries from Wendy's, and later an ice cream cone from McDonald's.

Mmmm. Doesn't that look appetizing.

It was pretty much joyless for me, and I didn't finish the burger or the fries.

Total calories for the day were about 2,000 according to labels. More if the labels are lying, and less if you consider the fact that I didn't finish anything.

At the time I'm writing this it's the first of February and I'm starting my green tea and super c fast. About to shower and get busy with work from about 9am to about 10pm.

I actually think I have therapy at 3pm so that'll be a nice little break from work.

After the fast (which will last 1 or 2 days) I'll be back to my grilled chicken and salads and stuff.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 49 - The Kind Apricot & Almond

2010-01-31T09:49:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I decided it'd be too wasteful to just replace my computer and spent the day fixing mine. It seems to be back to the condition it was in when I bought it. I think some program I installed within the last week was causing my startup process to not function right.

Anyway, my baby's all better now.

It wasn't the greatest day food-wise. I actually went to a vitamin store to pick up a few things and ended up buying two boxes of these:

They're pretty popular, I don't know if any of you have tried them. I think they're vegan but I'm not sure. Very pure ingredients label.

They're so unbelievably good, I ended up eating 5 of these throughout the day, which is too much.

Other than that I had two grilled chicken legs, a chicken burrito, and again an ice cream cone from McDonald's. The day was about 1800 - 2300 calories and didn't include any salads. I feel like I probably broke even on my weight.

What I was originally going to the vitamin shop for was this:

It's a zero-calorie citrus-flavored vitamin powder you mix with water. It's got B vitamins and a lot of vitamin C, and it tastes good. I like to drink it in the mornings.

I've pretty much decided I'm not going to work this weekend. So I'm calling in lazy, and I've got nothing to do.

Sunday will be the last day of January and will probably be similar to today as far as laziness in food goes.

January went very well for me work-wise, and it looks like I lost a little over 10 pounds, and I got to spend almost a week in a luxury hotel in New York. On paper that's gotta be one of the better months of my entire life.

I'll be kicking February off with a fast. One or two days. Green tea and Super-C.

I look forward to it.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 48 - The Computer Problems

2010-01-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

My computer is melting down. I can't even do basic stuff without it freezing and crashing and so on.

Thinking about just replacing the entire thing just because I know fixing it will be like a 72-hour root canal.

I had a fruit & walnut salad, finished the half cheese half cheeseless pizza I got, then had a mexican meal of grilled chicken with beans and rice and tortilla, with various salsas on the side.

My day was about 1800ish.

Oh yeah, and one of those ice cream cones I like from McDonald's. The 1800ish includes that.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 47 - The Cheeseless Pizza

2010-01-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Having some computer problems this morning that are eating up time and kind of frustrating me. Quick post.

I had a fruit & walnut salad in the morning. Lunch was going to be some salmon and vegetables, but it turned into just vegetables because they ruined the salmon. They struck it off the tab though so I guess it's ok.

Had lunch and saw a movie with my sister. We saw the Book of Eli, which wasn't bad at all. I like post-apocolypse fiction. But she always seems to steer every conversation toward grieving about her trials and tribulations and it kinda gets me down.

Not to blame that but I was feeling depressed and went for some pizza. I sort of reached a compromise for myself though. I ordered no extra toppings, and got the pizza half with cheese and half cheeseless to lighten it up a bit.

I've never had pizza without cheese before and I've discovered I actually kind of prefer it that way. I really love the taste of tomato sauce.

It was the new Domino's pizza, and they've really stepped up their product if anyone wants to give it a try. It's vastly improved.

But it is still pizza, and I ate it. Almost 4 slices, 2 with cheese and 2 without. It was a little too much.

Calories this time were like 1100 - 1500 or so.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 46 - The Vegetarian

2010-01-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Ate no meat today, and I'm thinking about making it a regular thing for a little while. Just to try it out.

I had a spinach and feta wrap in the morning with a skinny vanilla latte. Lunch was a fruit and walnut salad. Dinner was a southwest salad with no chicken.

And of course, I didn't finish any of it. :)

I think I'm below 800 calories this time.

And just because, here's a song I love. I hope you all enjoy it, too.

He's got quite a voice, doesn't he?

I really feel like I'm out of withdrawal. Any time you kick a bad habit you go through withdrawals, and I think that's completely over for me with binge eating. The thought of eating a ton of food in one sitting doesn't appeal to me in any way anymore.

I'm perfectly content with eating smaller portions. But what it's done is it's taken something out of my life that used to be a major part of my enjoyment in life, and I haven't found anything to replace it yet.

So I've just been working more.

My therapist always tells me I don't enjoy life enough. And he's right. But I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working or eating.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 45 - The Wraps

2010-01-27T06:29:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Food this time was two spinach & feta wraps from Starbucks, with a skinny vanilla latte. Lunch was a fruit & walnut salad. I was going to stop there, but I got one of my intense seasonal cravings for baby back ribs, so I went out for a dinner of that.

A 1/3 rack of baby back ribs, with a buttered roll, a few yam fries, and a few bites of coleslaw.

And in accordance with my new rule, I didn't finish any of that food. I left a minimum bite or swig of each item for the trash bin. Basically I fed it to bacteria.

If you've never had a spinach & feta wrap from Starbucks, I recommend you go out and get one immediately. All this for just 240 calories, and it's a 10 out of 10 on the flavor scale.

I'm really enjoying this new rule I've made for myself of not finishing anything. I find it helps my brain be more willing to stop itself before that point of excess, because as soon as I sit down to eat, I already know beforehand that I'll never finish it all.

As a child there was a lot of drama at the dinner table over my unwillingness to finish food. My parents would get very angry and leave me at the dinner table for hours, while I just sat there refusing to eat any more. I started to think they just wanted an excuse to leave me at the dinner table so I wouldn't bother them while they watched TV.

That more or less ended when one morning, my mom woke me up for school (I guess 3rd or 4th grade) to find that I still had a piece of meat in my mouth from the night before, that I was unable to swallow.

I had difficulty swallowing meat.

So anyway, I don't know if that's a trauma that's caused me to overeat or to feel pressed to always finish all my food. I've heard some psychologists relate that the things that traumatize us in childhood and adolescence become things we desire in adulthood.

But to be independent and make the decision that I'm never going to finish any of my food feels pretty good to me now.

I'm not sure how many calories I had today because it's really difficult to estimate the ribs. But if I had to produce a range of possibility, I'd say my total calories for this day were about 1400 - 2200.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 44 - The Artisan

2010-01-26T04:53:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Had a few things throughout the day this time. Had a spinach and feta wrap, a southwest chicken panini, a fruit and walnut salad, and one of these:

An artisan breakfast sandwich with ham from Starbucks.

The name is a little grandiose. But it was pretty good. They've improved the sandwiches a lot recently.

Finished the day off by treating myself to a small ice cream cone.

Less than 1600 calories on the day I'm pretty sure.

I'd like to weigh 180lbs now, please.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 43 - The Panda Express

2010-01-25T04:52:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Opened up my day with a low-carb plate of 3 eggs scrambled, with 4 strips of bacon and 4 sausage links.

There are a few schools of thought with diet and I think I generally tend to err on the side of being anti-sweets and anti-starch more than anti-fat and cholesterol, so for me I consider this a success.

Partly because I believe that's what causes diabetes, and in the past I've felt myself slipping into diabetic symptoms. The heart racing and palpitating after a carb-heavy meal was a daily occurrence and it can be scary. It toys with your body's natural insulin. I'd always get the shakes, the scary heart symptoms, and be hungry again within a couple hours.

I didn't finish all the eggs, or all the sausage, or all the bacon. I've got this new rule for myself, where I don't finish any food I get. I always leave at least a bite or swig behind of every individual food or drink I'm having. Less than 750 calories for breakfast.

Then for dinner I went with some Panda Express.

I got the mixed vegetables instead of the usual rice or noodles. And two entrees, their new "firecracker chicken" and barbecued pork. About 700 calories total if I ate it all, but I left behind a little of everything, so I'm guessing 600.

Finished the day off with a little 90-calorie iced dulce cinnamon latte thing from Starbucks, which I again didn't finish.

Less than 1500 calories on the day.

New pictures at 246. Feels like ages away.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Days 38-42 - The Trip to New York

2010-01-24T03:31:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I had an amazing, exhausting and busy time in New York. Ended up staying an extra night.

And honestly, being home makes me feel like shit. The Ritz-Carlton has me feeling extremely ungrateful about my apartment right now, and I really miss some of the people, and I'm just in a deep hole of depression right now.

And the baggage handlers destroyed the battery charger to my digital camera, so all I have for you is this stock photo of Lady Liberty.

My bag got delayed, later found out it was opened and inspected by the TSA. When it finally arrived, a bottle of nyquil had been punctured and had ruined a few things in the baggage. Battery charger, a jacket, and the interior lining of the baggage.

...

As for food, I ate far less than I thought I would. For some reason I just didn't have much of an appetite and was more interested in other things happening around me.

Let's see if I can remember everything I ate over the last 5 days...

-5 or 6 beers
-1 jack and diet
-skirt steak with pinot noir sauce and parmesan truffle fries (small portions) with a buttered roll
-chocolate pyramid (small portion)
-3-egg omelet with spinach, cheddar and mushroom fricassee (half) with a slice of 7 grain buttered toast and a half-glass of orange juice
-almond milk pancakes with carmelized bananas and pure maple syrup (small portion)
-2 slices of thin crust cheese pizza
-half bottle of sprite
-half a vegetarian sandwich with broccoli cheese soup
-half an apple
-half a chocolate chip cookie
-small portion of pringles
-Schlotzsky's original sandwich

I'm pretty sure that's everything. The in-room dining at The Ritz-Carlton was incredible. Probably the best food I've ever had in my life, and with the best service. The skirt steak with pinot noir sauce in particular was just out of this world delicious.

I definitely had less than 1500 calories per day on average, and definitely never ate more than 1200 calories in one meal. So no real binges. I could have picked healthier options though obviously.

This makes quite some time without a big binge. The fact that I didn't bother to binge in New York despite the fact that I basically gave myself permission to... I think is a good sign. And kind of strange honestly.

I really miss the comfort and joy I had in New York. And I feel really depressed right now.

I'm considering Sunday a day off. I'll be unpacking and cleaning and getting ready for the work week all day. And... I'm really not looking forward to it.

I'll be back to work and salads by Monday.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 37 - The Asiago Bagel

2010-01-19T05:49:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Flight leaves in 8 hours. This will be my last post until after I get home from New York, on the 22nd.

I didn't have much time to eat this day. I ate twice, and both times pretty much just gave in to whatever I felt like, while keeping the calories within reason. I was really stressed and kind of upset at how busy everything's been for me lately.

Still am.

I had this asiago bagel with cream cheese from Starbucks, along with some kind of hot milky beverage. I'm not sure what it was because it wasn't what I asked for, but there wasn't really time to complain. It was tall and I drank maybe a third of it.

Then for dinner I had a grilled cheese sandwich with a small fry, some ranch dip, and ice water. Didn't eat all the fries and didn't use too much of the ranch.

I really have no idea about the calories for this day, but I'm sure it's somewhere below 2,000. Probably much lower.

I'll be keeping what I eat written down throughout my trip to New York and I'll bring this blog up to date in one megapost after I return. I expect to gain a few pounds.

Exhausted,
Eric

Day 36 - The Pita

2010-01-18T10:17:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Rushing because I've got a huge list of errands I need to run all day.

Had a turkey and cheese sandwich on pita, half an apple because it was bigger than my head, a spinach feta wrap from Starbucks, and a small hot chocolate from Starbucks.

Was going to have a salad but unfortunately it was all wilted in my fridge, and I accidentally left the dressing packet out overnight. :(

Not sure on calories, but I'm guessing like 1600.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 35 - The Microwave Burrito

2010-01-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

This time I had a microwave burrito in the morning. That's kind of a weird craving I was having, just because it's been so long since I've used my microwave. Also had a "health nut turkey" sandwich with a bit of mayo and horse radish sauce, and a regular old banana on the side. Dinner was a southwest salad with black beans, roasted corn, jack cheese, and without chicken.

Yummm.

It was kinda bland.

About 1300 - 1450 calories or so for the day I think.

My flight is rapidly approaching. Lots of stuff I have to do before then. I really feel like the days aren't long enough most of the time.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 34 - The Dubious Sandwiches

2010-01-16T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today I had 5 things, but can't quite remember the order I ate them in.

I had a fruit and walnut salad, a chicken caesar salad with grilled chicken (using a tip from fellow blogger Kyle Gershman I was able to use less of the caesar dressing by resealing the package and shaking it up), and two small ham sandwiches I bought from a gas station. One of them I had with a bit of horse radish sauce, which almost made it seem edible.

My good friend ice cream. Again, by the end of the day, my calorie count was so low, and I used it as an excuse to get some ice cream. Or more specifically, the vanilla cone from McDonald's.

I'm just addicted to these things.

About 1800 calories on the day I guess.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 33 - The Original Recipe

2010-01-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Treated myself to a 2-piece meal from KFC this afternoon, with coleslaw and mac & cheese.

I had them give me 2 legs because the legs are the smallest. Less than 800 calories for the meal, which isn't too terrible.

For dinner I had a grilled chicken garden salad, with a reduced fat balsamic vinaigrette that I actually liked for a change. Only unhealthy ingredient there was a tiny bit of shredded cheese (not even enough to taste it, really) and a few croutons.

Finished the day with some ice cream, because I again had a craving and my calorie count was still so low for the day I felt I could afford to indulge a little.

About 1500 total calories on the day.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 32 - The Broccoli in a Salad

2010-01-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

This day was pretty familiar ground. I had bacon and eggs with lightly buttered rye toast in the morning. They gave me potatoes even though I asked them not to, and I expertly did not eat a single bite of them.

Then for dinner I had one of these:

The grilled chicken garden salad from Chick-Fil-A. Somebody mentioned Chick-Fil-A salads in the comments and I thought I'd give it a try.

They were right. This has been one of my favorite salads. I especially liked the presence of broccoli, which I love and which is something you don't often find. And it even came with roasted sunflower kernels (wow).

I had it with reduced fat berry vinaigrette dressing. Less than 500 for the whole salad, and a little over 700 for the breakfast. I had about 200 worth of chocolate pocky as a snack in the evening, so about 1400 calories for the day.

This is pretty amazing that I've been able to eat meals of less than 1500 calories without being dominated by a desire to eat more. My binge eating disorder really is in check right now.

I think the worst meal I've done in the past 32 days was below 1500 calories, and it hasn't happened all that often. Coming from eating 2,000+ calorie meals 2 - 4 times a day, I feel like I'm making real progress.

And I'm eating salads. I think I've eaten more salads in 2010 so far than I've eaten in all of 2009.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 31 - The Theatre

2010-01-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I went to the movie theatre and caught a matinee of Sherlock Holmes during my apartment inspection. I had some popcorn and some M&Ms, with a diet coke, about 700 calories. I don't think I could ever give up movie theatre popcorn. It's not an everyday thing, anyway.

I'm always reminded of this video whenever I go to a theatre these days. The really old footage and Zooey's 1950s style vocals, I just love it.

Other than that, I just had a salad with grilled chicken and honey dijon dressing. Less than 1400 calories on the day.

I've booked a trip to New York. January 19th - 22nd I'll be at The Ritz-Carlton on Battery Park. While I'm there, there are a few things I'm definitely eating. Pizza, a street vendor hot dog, a bagel, probably a frivolous room service meal, and probably 2 in-flight meals. I'll be writing everything down with calorie estimations, and those 4 days will all be posted about in 1 blog entry after I get home.

Also I'll probably be walking a lot more.

I'm not giving myself a free pass to eat unlimited quantities of food on my trip, but those certain things New York is known the world over for, I think I'd regret not having them more than I'd regret the cholesterol. I'll be trying to keep it below 2500/day at the most.

I don't know if I'll have much time for photos, but we'll see.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 30 - The Bad Decision

2010-01-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

The other day's ribs were enjoyed so much that they made an encore. Had a meal identical to the previous one, probably about 1400 calories.

Then on my way out of a Walmart, I made the poor decision to get Wienerschnitzel for some stupid reason. About 1400 calories of chili cheese garbage there.

This is what you order:

And this is what you get:

I again had a small fruit and walnut salad in the evening, pushing the calorie total to just over 3,000. Which in terms of thermodynamics, is about par for the course. If I gained, it was less than 3 ounces. So I don't feel like this is a failure that has to completely derail me.

Immediately after eating the second bad meal I felt regret, and was briefly tempted to just omit it from my blog entirely out of embarrassment. But this blog would be totally pointless if I'm going to be dishonest with it, so there you go. You get to see all my weaknesses.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 29 - The St. Louis Ribs

2010-01-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

This time I worked through the whole day without eating, basically. By the end my appetite was pretty crazy, I had a craving for some ribs and I knew a place. They also make homemade potato chips fresh out of the frier. I had both, with a bit of garlic bread they came with, and a diet coke.

I actually felt guilty so I brought home one of these to eat later in the evening.

The fruit & walnut salad they make for McDonald's. It's basically apples, grapes, a small amount of candied walnuts, and some low fat yogurt. I couldn't really imagine how that could possibly be so bad for me so I didn't care that it was coming from McDonald's.

Things are really busy right now because on top of work I've got an apartment inspection tomorrow. Having to do a lot of cleaning to make the place sparkle, and a lot of extra work to make up for the time lost spent cleaning and etc.

I'm also planning and preparing for a trip to New York, which will be more lost time, which is more time that I need to make up for with work. Very busy!

Same old graph.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 28 - The Cranberry Walnut Salad

2010-01-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Quick post because I feel horrible right now and I still have to work at least 6 hours through it.

I had ice cream in the morning (my sore throat is the worst in the mornings), ramen noodles and a bit of candy over lunch, and dinner was an apple cranberry walnut salad.

This with I think a raspberry vinaigrette. That's feta cheese, by the way, which I'm a huge fan of.

About 1800 calories for the day. So I was at a calorie deficit and I ate some vegetables. Good enough for now.

Still 20 pounds to updated progress photos.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 27 - The First Twenty

2010-01-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I had a cheese enchilada plate with beans and rice over lunch. I brought home a salad to eat, but whatever sickness I have got a little worse and I didn't feel much like eating. The worst symptom is the sore throat, so I just had a bowl of ice cream.

In the past, whenever I've faced any kind of hardship, I'd always give myself a free pass to eat whatever I wanted. I'd actually find myself thinking during a bad day at work, "I'm going to order the whole menu when I'm done here." It's like a way of blaming external forces for my own bad decisions. Basically a rationalization for my bad behavior, along the same lines of what you see from alcoholics and drug addicts.

There might've been a little of that in play for the ice cream. Just a little.

I still have the salad in my fridge though, and I'm feeling a little bit better. I'll eat it today (all my posts cover the previous day).

Anyway, as the title of the post mentions, I've dropped my first 20 pounds, and I've got update photos. And here they are.

First the original front, then the current front. Then the original side, then the current side.

I have a standardized foot placement and posture and everything, and I tried to replicate it all as best I could.

So that's what it looks like when somebody goes from 286 to 266 (6.993% body weight reduction). 20lbs would look like night and day for normal people, but when you're huge, 20lbs doesn't make a big difference in how you look.

20lbs to updated progress photos.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 26 - The Ham & Cheese Omelette

2010-01-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

For some reason I woke up and wanted a ham and cheese omelet, so I made it happen.

I ate this with a side of 3 or 4 strips of bacon. It was more food than I anticipated, but it was really good so obviously I had to eat it all. I think about 1200 calories total.

Then my dinner salad came with shredded cheddar, crispy chicken, and ranch dressing. Probably the least healthy and most delicious salad I've had so far. About 700 calories.

Finished the day with some candies. A little over 2,000 for the whole day.

I actually woke up with a sore throat. I thought it was because I slept without the heat on for the first time all winter, but now I'm thinking I may actually be sick. I still feel sick at the time I'm writing this (the next day). But it hasn't gotten much worse.

Still haven't had a proper binge in a pretty long time. Still 2 pounds away from photos...

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 25 - The Nothing New

2010-01-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Not much to report today. I had instant noodles with a bit of chocolate pocky, then I had a bacon ranch salad with crispy chicken from McDonald's. Below 1200 calories on the day.

Partway through eating the candy, I actually lost interest in it. Which is pretty amazing, because I hadn't gorged myself or anything, and I actually didn't want any more food.

I think for the first time I'd say I really don't have binge eating disorder right now.

Though I'm sure I'd be amazed how easily it can come back.

Still 2 more pounds to photo updates.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 24 - The Gnocchi Marinara

2010-01-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I took my mom out to a little Italian restaurant for lunch this day. I ordered the potato gnocchi with marinara meat sauce, garlic bread, then ate this little raspberry cookie-type thing that they make there.

I ate a little over half this much. And the garlic bread was pretty heavily buttered.

Then when I got in front of the computer, I kind of lost track of how much chocolate pocky I was eating. It could've been as much as 800 calories throughout the day.

I could've gone without dinner at that point, but remembering my commitment to try to eat at least one salad each day, I did go out and get a caesar salad with grilled chicken for about 450 calories.

Not entirely sure, but I think the day was around 2200 - 2600 calories. That's obviously too much, but my worst days used to be three or four times that amount. I wasn't paying much attention this day, and still I didn't binge, which I think is a good sign.

I'll try to come back strong with a lower calorie total.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 23 - The Creamy Cilantro

2010-01-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today I skipped breakfast for lunch. Pulled through a McDonald's determined to not order beef, and ended up with this.

The Premium Crispy Chicken Club. It comes with bacon, swiss and mayo. A little over 600 calories.

I got it in the meal and tried to order it small, but they just ignored me and punched in a medium. I don't think they actually offer their value meals in a small. So add medium fries and a medium plain iced tea to that.

So it was about 1,000 calories.

In the morning I had some dark chocolate pocky sticks for a snack. Then mid-afternoon I pulled through El Pollo Loco and got a chicken caesar salad with creamy cilantro dressing. Also ordered 2 grilled chicken legs and ate those. Then later when I ate the salad, had some more dark chocolate pocky.

No gains.

About 2100 calories today. Too much. I'll need to specify small orders from now on, I don't need medium fries. And I guess I could do a better job of staying away from the pocky.

Keeping up with my commitment to eat a salad every day so far. It feels good. Go me.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 22 - The Chopped Cob

2010-01-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

This time I had a 3-egg plate in the morning, scrambled, with 3 or 4 strips of bacon, and two slices of lightly buttered rye toast.

I also ordered a diet pepsi with this, but after a few sips I wasn't sure I could trust it was diet, so I ended up not drinking it.

I took home a chopped cob salad with fat free italian dressing. It had grilled chicken, avacado, diced tomatoes, shredded cheddar, bacon, and one hard-boiled egg. Dressing and all, it was about 750 calories total. And I couldn't finish it all.

I was really unhappy with the low fat italian. They need to keep it flavorful, and flavor comes from fat and sugar, so as far as I can tell they basically just replaced the oil with corn syrup. It was like eating my salad with maple syrup or something.

That does reduce the calories a good amount since fat grams have 9 calories and sugar grams only have 4, but I think next time I'd probably just go with a regular italian.

Probably about 1400 calories on the day, or another 100 if those sips of pepsi were non-diet as I suspect they were.

Two more pounds to the first 20-pound loss and new pictures.

For people who don't understand why I can't go to the supermarket and buy fresh food all the time. I take on a tremendous workload because I'm able to give myself unlimited hours and the work is incentive-based. Fresh food needs to be cooked and also expires quickly. I don't have time to be my own chef, and I don't have anybody that's willing to cook for me all the time, other than people in restaurants.

I thought about hiring a personal chef or assistant, but I just think that would be way too weird and don't think I have enough use for one for it to be worthwhile. I also have certain social phobias that would make it very difficult for me to have a stranger around all the time.

What I'm doing now is probably better than what I was doing before. And what I was doing before was probably better than what I was doing before that. Maybe things will just continue to improve.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 21 - The Steak & Egg

2010-01-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I got all my food from Jack in the Box again. It's a matter of extreme convenience. Being able to get all my food for the day before work, eat part of it then, and eat the rest after, is just very convenient for me.

I ordered a crispy chicken pita snack, a steak and egg burrito, and a southwest crispy chicken salad, for a total of about 2,000 calories.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that burrito.

The pita snack weighed in at like 400 calories. It was way bigger than I was expecting it to be. That they call that a "snack" is quite ridiculous.

My original plan was to remove some ingredients from the southwest chicken salad to compensate for the unexpectedly high caloric content of the burrito and pita, but at the end of the day it just didn't happen that way.

I found out it came with spicy corn sticks. If they were just regular corn sticks everything would have gone according to plan, but I'm a junky for spicy food.

And then they weren't even spicy to me. Oh well.

I was pretty impressed with that salad, though. It came with roasted corn and black beans and jack cheese. The southwest dressing was good. I find myself really enjoying these salads.

I feel a bit like Nacho Libre when he could finally afford to make salads for the orphanage instead of bean slop. How salads in that movie seemed to be regarded as the most expensive and tastiest of all foods.

Good for them for not giving in to product placement and having Nacho buy Coca-Cola or something.

Just four more pounds to updated photos. I'm fully expecting there to not be hardly any difference, but we'll see.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 20 - The Two Salad Meals

2010-01-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

It was the first day of the new year, and I felt like making a change. Not a resolution, because calling something a new year's resolution always seems to condemn it to failure. Not something big, either.

I've just decided to eat more plants. I'm gonna try to have at least one salad a day for a while. I might start bringing in some fruit, too.

I had two of these, the chicken club salad from Jack in the Box. One before work and one after.

I ate it without croutons (lower the calories and carbs a bit) and without tomatoes (I hate tomatoes). There was bacon and cheese and ranch dressing, so it's not completely without things to cry about. Each salad was about 750 calories, so 1500 for the day.

The graph is coming along. This is going to take a long, long time...

...

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 19 - The Two Cheeseburger Meal

2010-01-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Got all my work done and it was probably the most lucrative day of my life so far. To have a day like that capped off with the ball dropping and the world rolling into the year 2010 felt incredibly good.

The salad I was going to get turned into a two cheeseburger meal, with medium fries and a diet coke.

It was just disgusting honestly. I feel like I don't have the stomach for this shit anymore. I didn't get even the slightest enjoyment out of eating it.

That was before my work day started (at 3am), then after I was done (at 7pm) I had a turkey and cheddar sandwich, ruffles with french onion dip, and a corona.

Probably something like 2400 calories on the day.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 18 - The Fresco

2009-12-31T01:13:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I just woke up at 1:00am and am preparing to work through the whole day. I'll consider myself lucky if I even get time to watch the ball drop on TV.

I had my usual convenient noodles and candy, but also went out to Taco Bell to try their Fresco menu.

I had 2 fresco soft tacos, and most of a fresco chicken burrito supreme. I also ordered a volcano burrito (because I remember I used to like those before I started the blog), but there was a shard of something rock hard in the beef so I spit most of it out and threw it away.

I'll probably never eat beef at Taco Bell again for the rest of my life because of that.

Somewhere below 2,000 calories for the day, and probably above 1,400.

Dropped another pound.

I literally have to work something like 18 hours out of the next 22 right now. I'm thinking I'm gonna go out right now, get a salad, then take home a bunch of easy snacks to eat all day while I work.

It's not gonna be pretty. Or fun.

Happy New Year everyone.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 17 - The Men's Pocky

2009-12-30T09:29:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Things are crazy right now. Even crazier than Christmas.

I've got a lot of work that needs to be done before 2010, and less than 48 hours to do it in. I'll definitely get it done, but basically I'm only allowed to work and sleep.

I had noodles and japanese candy, and also tried a savory-type Japanese snack called Peanut Balls. It's basically individual peanuts that've been coated in rice cracker. They look like little dinosaur eggs or something. They are a caloric bomb.

This is another new thing I tried of all the stuff I ordered. Men's Pocky.

The only difference between this and regular pocky is that this is dark chocolate, which I guess in Japan isn't something women commonly eat? I thought it was funny.

Just under 2,000 calories for the day.

This is going to take a long time.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 16 - The Evil Noodles

2009-12-29T00:06:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Today was successful weight-loss wise. I had some crackers with peanutbutter, a chocolate milk, some ramen, and some Japanese candies.

It's difficult to not eat ramen and japanese candies when I've got so much of it stockpiled here, and I love ramen so much.

I just tell myself it's healthier than drive-thru.

Probably around 1200 - 1500 calories today.

No gains.

I'm starting to think about what I can safely eat from drive-thrus. I have a problem where I work so much and there's really time issues for my eating decisions. The convenience of just having some noodles and candy is too great.

But if there are certain things I could order at drive-thrus that are healthier than noodles and candy, I'd certainly be willing to try them.

McDonald's Salads? El Pollo Loco grilled chicken and vegetables?

Any ideas?

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 15 - The Big Mac

2009-12-28T02:43:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Just had what I'm considering the end of the holidays. Ate the last of my leftovers, plenty of candy, and went out for a big mac.

The old mentality of "this is the last time" kicked in here. It still didn't result in a big-time binge like I used to know, but it seems if I'm going to completely derail, it would be now.

I feel a little panicked, like I need to come back strong on Monday to be sure I don't lose it all.

I'm probably around 2600 calories for the day again. Never drinking calories helps a lot.

This is probably my favorite time of the year. The stressful holidays are finally over, and there's no major holiday obligation for a really long time. It's like finally being set free.

Looking forward to making that line go down a lot.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 14 - The Leftovers

2009-12-27T02:21:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I ended up taking home enough leftovers for like 2 more dinners, along with some Christmas candy. Had some of that and also went out to El Pollo Loco. Was planning to just get some grilled chicken.

I ate 2 pieces of this. But when I saw they were serving beef for the first time ever, I couldn't resist getting a steak quesadilla, too.

I'd estimate like 2400 calories for the day, but it's difficult to say since the Christmas leftovers were homemade and there's no information on 'em.

By Monday I'll be all out of Christmas leftovers. I'll go from there.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 13 - The Christmas Dinner

2009-12-26T17:14:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I ate all kinds of Christmas food. Didn't really eat breakfast or lunch though. I think I was below 3,000 calories.

My workload is going to be very heavy over the next 5 days, so short posts like this might be the norm until then.

I've got nothing to eat at home but noodles and candy, so I'm thinking about running out for chicken.

I've eaten fast food I think twice since I started this blog. I've kept a lot of my bad habits and am still at extremes, but before I started the blog my average number of visits to fast food restaurants in 13 days would have literally been about 60, so I think that's progress of some kind.

I consider these to be pretty mild holiday gains for me. :)

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 12 - The Eve

2009-12-25T02:33:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Things are hectic right now obviously. I had noodles, candies, a burger and fries. No major binges. Really looking forward to the 26th.

I won't be keeping much of a record for Christmas Day, but I won't binge like I used to binge. I never do when I'm in front of others. So I think it'll be ok. I expect to gain a couple pounds of water/waste before the 26th.

Hope you all have a great Christmas (or other holiday).

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 11 - The Gnocchi

2009-12-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Went to an italian restaurant, ate chicken and gnocchi, kept that under 1000. Had popcorn and candy, kept that under 500. Then ate noodles and japanese candy, not sure where I'm at with that, but not too much.

It's nearly Christmas so things are pretty busy for me until that's over.

Same old graph.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 10 - The Ramen Noodles

2009-12-23T01:44:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Today I had some noodles and a few candies.

The imported ramen is far better than anything you'd usually find in America. So far, all of it is spicy, whether it says so on the package or not. Which I love, which I guess is typical of most Korean food. I'll never buy Nissin again.

I had it with sriracha sauce, which I now think is the best condiment in the world.

My original plan was to eat nothing, but I gave in to the noodles. Could be the beginning of the end.

Swung down a pound.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 9 - The Chicken Madeira

2009-12-22T00:45:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I ate today, all totaled to about 2600 calories.

Nobody wanted to write a meal plan so it was all me. I had The Cheesecake Factory around noon, then ate some Korean instant ramen later on, along with some more small quantities of Japanese candy.

This is fried macaroni and cheese. Extremely good and bad, for different reasons. I only ate part of this.

This is the entree I ordered, which is a combination of Steak Diane and Chicken Madeira. I didn't touch the potatoes, I ate maybe half of the steak, and I ate most of the chicken. I meant to stop eating the chicken earlier, but it was one of the better things I've ever tasted, so I went for a few extra bites.

And dessert, some fresh strawberry shortcake. It's one of the lighter desserts they offer, believe it or not. I think I got about a third of it, and generally avoided the cake part.

And once again, the food tasted amazing, but I failed to achieve a binge high. I was aiming for it at The Cheesecake Factory, but since I haven't really been eating, my stomach can't seem to handle it. I fill up and get nauseous well before I've eaten enough for a proper binge high.

Even while I'm eating it, I'm not feeling great about it. The taste is amazing, but I'm not getting the usual feelings of excitement and joy that I used to get over food. It's actually the opposite, I was dreading the meal from the moment I woke up. When it arrived I was almost scared of it, and was just thinking "great, now I have to eat."

Without the satisfaction of bingeing, all I feel after a meal is regret for whatever unnecessary weight I'm keeping because of it. And that's what I feel right now.

The ramen was different though. It seems I can enjoy eating without bingeing and not feel regret, as long as it's something new and strange that I'm interested in. The weird candies and imported ramen fit this bill. I think I enjoyed the $1 ramen more than the $22 chicken madeira.

Gained 3lbs. I was carrying a bottle of water with me all day today, and I ate quite a bit, so it's unsurprising.

After BMR calculations I think the day was pretty close to break-even weight-loss wise, despite the upward spike.

And to people who'd like to see me eating and losing weight in a more healthy way. I don't know what to say, other than, I don't think I can.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 8 - The Ice Pops

2009-12-21T00:42:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

Similar to yesterday, I ate small quantities of Japanese candies.

I had two of these ice pops (which were very good), and 9 chocolate pocky sticks. So about 190 calories total.

Looking forward to movie theatre popcorn with M&Ms on Wednesday.

Lost another pound.

So I'm already just 2lbs away from new photos. I'm really curious to see if there's any noticeable difference from 286 to 266. I don't think I look any smaller, really, but we'll see. Though my pants are getting looser.

I'm planning to eat tomorrow, which will probably gain me a few pounds in water/food weight, then that'll drop pretty quickly. I think new photos will be before Christmas.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 7 - The Japanese Candy

2009-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

My shipment of Japanese food arrived today. I got a lot more candy than I realized. And a ton of instant ramen noodles.

That's the Hi-Chew, and the chocolate pocky. The Hi-Chew is very good. It's like a cross between Starburst and bubblegum, but unlike bubblegum it breaks down in your mouth completely. It's a very unique consistency. The chocolate pocky is quite simple, it's a crunchy very thin little stick biscuit dipped in chocolate.

I ate one of the Hi-Chews and 2 pocky sticks, so about 45 calories for the day.

I think tomorrow I might try one of the Japanese ice pops I got.

Lost 3lbs I guess.

I'm very eating-averse right now. I feel a bit like an anorexic, in how eating a meal isn't registering in my brain as something that I'd even be capable of doing, so I don't think about it much.

But I hear the agonizing over my lack of eating, or lack of eating well. So if anyone wants, you can e-mail me and tell me exactly what to eat, and I promise I'll eat it on Monday with pictures. A whole day's meal plan, as long as it's under 1400 calories total.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 6 - The Happy Turtle

2009-12-19T09:49:00.001-08:00

Hello blog.

I ate nothing today.

I'm a little late with this entry. I always write my entries the day after, so I can report on a full day. I usually get it just after midnight but I had to get to bed earlier. I had just worked over 18 hours straight with hardly a bathroom break and was completely beaten.

I've had this picture of this turtle set to my desktop image for a while now, since before I started the blog.

It never even really occurred to me that it was a picture of a turtle eating until now. I always thought it more like a turtle just being a turtle.

Lately I realize it's a picture of food and of eating, and it keeps making me hungry.

I think if anything it's a good influence. The turtle is the perfect eater. No binge disorder, no empty calories. All the turtle needs now is health insurance, and we'd all wish we could be that turtle. (Not that a turtle needs it, I think they live to be a hundred or something)

At the time I'm writing this entry, I've just woken up the next day with very severe nausea. I doubt it's cold or flu, because I haven't been near anybody in the last 40 hours. I doubt it's food poisoning, because I haven't eaten anything in the last 34 hours. In these situations where I'm experiencing a fresh symptom, I usually turn into a little hypochondriac and speculate on all the forms of cancer I might now be host to. WebMD is good for that.

Nausea covers a lot of different cancers, though. Right now I'm thinking liver cancer, or stomach cancer.

I know any doctor would tell me it's just because I haven't been eating, though. And I do hope it's that simple, because I do love being alive. Even on days when I have to work 18 consecutive hours.

I took some pepto, but it didn't really help. Now I keep spitting into a big bowl I'm keeping nearby in case I throw up. The nausea is really bad right now. If it keeps like this I might have to buy some pretzels or saltines or something.

I lost more weight obviously.

It's really starting to look like a graph now. Just 6lbs away from progress photos.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 5 - The Mount Everest

2009-12-18T01:35:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Today I ate a burger with fries, and a snickers ice cream bar. I think I'd consider this a binge, yet it's still less than I would've eaten for a typical meal before I started the blog.

If you live in the southwest USA, then you probably know In-N-Out makes the best burgers and fries in the world. I've had $50 burgers made with Kobe beef and they weren't as good. I don't think there's anything a chef could do to make a burger better than an In-N-Out burger.

I tried to induce vomiting, but was unsuccessful.

All totaled, I ate less than 1400 calories today, since I only ate the one meal. It's significantly less than my basal metabolic rate, so I guess I should call that a success.

I just realized that I could lose 100lbs and still have a binge disorder.

I'm seeing a psychologist, seeking the support of others, and trying to lose weight. I guess there's not much else to do but keep on trying to change. I just don't know how (or if) I'm ever going to make a binge no longer appeal to me.

There's something great about fasting. When I'm fasting I'm always carrying with me the anticipation of a future event that I'll enjoy. I know someday I'll eat again, it doesn't really matter when, and I know that when I do, it's going to be great. Not only is it going to be great, but it's going to taste even better with every extra hour I starve.

You could compare it to climbing up Everest. It can't feel very good when you're in your tenth straight hour of climbing, icicles hanging from your nose and dizzy from the thinning atmosphere, but at the same time it must feel good to endure all that abuse knowing eventually you'll be standing up on that summit, trying to echo your cheers off the next mountain over.

Another pound of not-very-meaningful statistical variance.

I've decided I'm gonna take updated progress photos every 20lbs, so when I hit 266 we'll all get to see what 286 - 20 looks like. I'm guessing it'll probably happen before The New Year.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 4 - The Turkey Lunch

2009-12-17T00:42:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I ate for the first time in about 84 hours today. I said I'd have a photo, but I completely forgot to take one. Luckily they had a picture of the exact meal I ordered right on their website.

The only difference being, my mashed potatoes didn't come with anything on them.

I didn't eat the cranberry sauce, I didn't eat the vegetables, I only ate about half the potatoes, and I ate about 80% of the turkey and stuffing with gravy.

Other than that, I had one small slice of cornbread with butter, a small glass of nonfat chocolate milk, and a few bites of an apple ice cream dessert my sister ordered.

This restaurant has a very nice online nutritional calculator, and based on my estimations, I ate between 900 and 1400 calories.

I was stuffed and couldn't eat another bite, which means my stomach definitely shrank during the fast. The food tasted good, but other than that, I didn't get any kind of binge high off of it, which was really disappointing.

Coming off that lunch I ate, I know I could go out right now and easily handle a 2400 calorie dinner. But I'm not going to. Unless I make a post tomorrow saying that I did. Then I guess I did.

I thought I'd gain more from eating.

I work with statistics so I know really well that these day by day fluctuations are kind of meaningless, and we won't have relevant data until our sample size is up to 30 entries maybe. But it's still fun to look at.

I've no idea what I'll eat tomorrow. Current plan is nothing.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 3 - The Green Tea Chronicles

2009-12-16T01:12:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I managed to complete all 3 days of my green tea fast. As of this moment it's been over 72 hours since I've eaten anything. I feel wrecked.

I'm going to bed now, so there'll be another 10 hours or so without food before I'm seated at the restaurant. No idea what I'll order, but I'll get a photo.

I spent like 3 hours today looking at pictures of food on the internet. I bought a lot of ramen noodles online, and some Japanese candy to try. Hopefully I don't eat it all in one day.

Looks like I'm finally done losing water weight.

So tired.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 2 - The Green Tea Chronicles

2009-12-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

Still fasting, and for some reason I've been smelling fish sticks all day. You know how your sense of smell reaches superhero proportions when you're really hungry? I can't figure out where the smell is coming from, though. I'm thinking I might be having a smell hallucination.

The fast hasn't got me in a very good mental state right now. I find myself hating everything and just all-around annoyed with everything, especially work. Not really able to enjoy anything at the moment.

And the thought of breaking my fast doesn't appeal to me at all right now. I remember this interview with actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman where he's talking about his post-college alcoholism. He was talking about the people who are able to have just one drink, and be done, and how he could never be one of those people. He'd rather have twenty or none, just one drink had zero appeal. I feel like that with food right now. I know when I break my fast, it can't be a binge, so I don't really care to. I'd rather have nothing.

Tomorrow will be day 3 of my fast, if I feel like continuing with it. Then on Wednesday I'll be going to a matinee and lunch with some family. I'll probably end up having some popcorn, and I don't know what I'll order at whatever restaurant we go to. Something reasonable. Soup, salad and sandwich, maybe. Or maybe just a big salad. I'll get a picture of whatever I order.

Lost another 5lbs of water weight.

And I still smell fish sticks.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 1 - The Green Tea Chronicles

2009-12-14T00:37:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

I decided to start with a green tea fast. It'll last 1 to 3 days, depending on how I feel. And yes, that means nothing but green tea.

I think I got it at a whole foods store, Henry's or Trader Joe's.

I've never gone 3 days without solid food before, but I think it'll be good for me. So far I'm doing ok. I feel hungry, but one good thing about being this hungry is the raw strawberries seem just as appetizing to me as the french fries. When I do break the fast, I'll have no problem doing it with healthy foods.

I think I may have just inadvertantly discovered the etymology of the word "breakfast."

Anyway, the hunger is there, but for now it's being outclassed by my excitement at building this weight loss blog. I've always loved making things in general, and pigging out right now would feel like I was knocking over my own sandcastle.

The real test will come when I try to fall asleep, which is something I've rarely done on an empty stomach.

In the meantime I've got to figure out what I'm going to eat when I do break the fast. I wonder if anyone reading this could share a full day's meal plan they've used and enjoyed? If so I'll be running to the store, so anything works, no allergies here.

That's my graph so far. Not much to look at yet. I lost 5lbs in a day, but at my weight it's pretty easy to do that just to waste and dehydration. Being sedentary at my weight, I think I burn about 3,000 calories per day, so it was probably a net loss of like 14 ounces.

I can't wait to have a few months of data for this graph. I love graphs.

I guess that's it for Day 1.

Until tomorrow,
Eric

Day 0 - Statement of Purpose

2009-12-13T01:58:00.000-08:00

Hello blog.

This is ground zero. I'm a male in my early twenties, I'm 5'11", and I currently weigh 286lbs.

My fake name is Eric, and I'm a binge addict. The behavior is a lot like alcoholism, except instead of getting drunk, I eat up to 3,000 calories per meal.

I eat a lot. I go through 3 drive-thrus in a row just to make sure I get every food I want. During a few binges, I've even lost track of how much I was eating to the point where my stomach couldn't handle it and forced me to throw up. And like most alcoholics, it's something I hide. Every binge is a secret.

I spend over $1200/month on junk food.

At the time I'm typing this, I've just polished off another binge. A Big Mac, fries, chicken selects with honey mustard, and a chocolate shake. The chocolate shake was from Wendy's, because I like theirs better. I know their menus well enough that without checking, I can tell you the binge was about 2,100 calories. And that's my third of the day.

I don't expect anyone but binge addicts to really understand this. To see this disorder as something akin to drug addiction is a leap that I couldn't even make myself at first. I'd never be so bold as to say it's as destructive as drug addiction, or as challenging to overcome. But it's something in my pathology that makes me do this, and to not continue doing it results in a great deal of pain. To not binge feels to me as to not breathe -- it feels like I'm being suffocated, and conjures up a panic within me so severe that in those moments I'd do absolutely anything for one breath of air.

Giving in to that panic has cost me a lot. A lot of money, obviously. A lot of health. I have heart palpitations. Every time I binge it's a few hours of pain in my gallbladder. Not to mention all the classic symptoms of type 2 diabetes. I can't even walk long distances. If I don't change, it's going to kill me.

Just recently I've gotten my own place. My own job. My own couch, my own coffee table. But before I can take the next steps toward the life I want to live, being a binge addict has to fall off my list of priorities. And right now, it's got the number one spot.

Luckily I'm still young.

That's enough for now. Here's how unbelievably fat I am, these are what will hopefully be my "before pictures":

I don't like it any more than you do. In fact, I probably like it a lot less. Imagine having to live in that piece of shit.

The purpose of this blog is accountability. I need to feel like I'd be upsetting more than just myself in failing to overcome my binge addiction. I need to feel like I'd also be ruining my blog and disappointing hopefully at least a couple of strangers who might be reading it some time. And it doesn't hurt to have a place to keep a record of all this crap, either.

Every day here you'll find a new update on my progress. The updates will include:

-General thoughts and experiences
-A brief overview of what I ate that day
-My daily weigh-ins
-A graph of my weight over time
-Occasionally, a fresh batch of progress photos

I'll be clear right now, I don't ever expect to look good. I'm wide-hipped and there's going to be loose skin. It's not going to be the before and after you see on Bowflex commercials. But there's going to be dramatic weight loss, and it's going to be real.

Until tomorrow,
Eric